“Whipped” may not be the worst movie of all time, but it is easily the worst movie of the year.

Considering the slew of mediocre-to-terrible films that have been released within the past year, it comes as no surprise that a film reliant on the tried-and-true hetero teen sex theme should prove Oscar worthy, or Golden Globe worthy, or even worthy of a Cavalier Daily review. This is the first movie I’ve ever seen where the word “plot” fits in solely onomatopoetically.

On the more positive side, “Whipped” does, however, impressively manage to be consistently bad; its soundtrack, costumes and editing are horrendous. But the area where the film most excels in incompetence is its writing. The immature script appears to have been written by a rich, homophobic teenager from Beverly Hills who hides behind the pseudonym of Peter M. Cohen. Peter M. (“M” for misogynist) shoots for the aggressive style of the Coen brothers, but they don’t have his “h” and he doesn’t have their talent. This isn’t sophomoric work; this isn’t even freshmanic work; this is 8th-grade creative writing.

The film’s constant cursing is useless and infantile, not to mention annoying. David Mamet knows how to use an f-word, where to place it for full effect. Peter M. Cohen is no David Mamet. He’s not even Ed Wood. He’s a cinematic lowbrow Aaron Spelling.

The sad fact is that “Whipped” looks like a big budget movie. It has that expensive Martin Scorcese gloss that spells big bucks. This makes one wonder: with the broad talent pool of L.A. and New York, plus the financial backing to boot, how can something this vacuous possibly exist? This is the shame that is Hollywood, and it’s why Ebert is so quick to give the thumbs up to anything foreign, daring and/or indie.

If there is a small redeeming quality, it is the hope that Amanda Peet may have a breakthrough role in some future project, but in this movie she plays a one-dimensional character whose sympathetic qualities are completely destroyed in her closing monologue. My only question to Amanda is this: Why did she decide to take this role in the first place? She’s already been in another version of the movie called “Body Shots” filmed in 1999, but with a better script and better actors.

“Whipped” forces us to sit through the inept Judah Domke’s stomach-churning portrayal of “Eric, the married friend,” which is coincidentally my nomination for the worst acting I have ever seen, ever, in my entire life, ever, including community theater.

Throughout the film, we were in constant debate if we should stay for the ending, using the pro-”staying” philosophy of “it has to get better.” It doesn’t. It only gets worse. Some sort of story attempts to unfold about three male losers getting screwed over by a female loser, but the real losers will be this film’s financial backers, which happen, coincidentally, to be the film’s actors. Who knew?

Perhaps the greatest insult is the director’s blatant theft from other, better films such as “Trainspotting,” “When Harry Met Sally,” “In the Company of Men,” “Swingers” and “There’s Something About Mary” as well as the confessionals of “The Real World.” Upon leaving this movie, there was a general consensus that two hours of our lives had just been wasted, and that’s probably the saddest statement someone can make about a film.

Do you sleep with your teddy bear? Do you think University girls are hot? Or better yet, do you think whales are sexy?

Maybe, maybe not. But, regardless of whether or not you fit any of the above descriptions, you surely possess certain qualities that separate you from your fellow students. Every member of the University community is unique, every Wahoo has a voice. That’s the message Spectrum Theatre will bring to the Old Cabell stage in this weekend’s production of “Voices of the Class.”

This marks the second consecutive year the group has created a production from selected admissions essays of the incoming first-year class. Led by the marketing genius of the self-proclaimed Artistic Director and Minister of Public Disinformation Andrew Starner, members of Spectrum are parading around grounds this week with shirts proclaiming, “Oops, we did it again.”

The Admissions Office presented student artists with 50 applications, which the cast and crew read independently over the summer.

“We sat down when we returned to school and discussed which pieces we believed would adapt well to the stage,” said fourth-year cast member Steven Shepard, co-founder of Spectrum. The students built a script and worked out their adaptation under the guidance of directors Greg Thomas and Myxolydia Tyler.

Last fall, “Voices of the Class” was a creative experiment; now, it’s an established success. Several of last year’s shows sold out, and students were turned away at the door. As anyone who saw the first production can attest, Spectrum has landed on an idea that inspires a great deal of response from the audience.

“It will make you laugh, it will make you dance, it will make you cry,” ensures cast member Shoaib Afridi, “it’s the full ‘spectrum’ of human emotion.”

“One minute you’ll be laughing at a sketch on ignorant high school textbooks, and the next you’ll be in Communist Romania, watching a street protest through the eyes of an 8 year old,” Shepard added. “There’s something in this show for everyone.”

“Voices” can be a particular source of pride for first year students. Regardless of whether your essay is included in the script, the production provides a collective sense of accomplishment.

Ultimately, the power of the production originates from the words of its authors, the incoming first year class.

“I really want to see this tradition continue in the future,” Shepard said.

One can’t help but believe it will. This project has a secure future because it remains dynamic. Hamlet will always perish, and Stanley Kowalski will never get in touch with his sensitive side. The drama of “Voices” will never be the same.

Second year actress Sarah Drew claims the company adhered much more closely to the actual text of the essays this time around. “Last year’s show was very entertaining, and this year’s is as well, but I think this second show is also more thought provoking,” Drew added. “It is truer to the students’ voices, which is good.”

It’s more than good. In fact, the only negative effect “Voices” may have on the audience member is a sense of inferiority at one’s own essay. The Admissions Office received over 14,000 applications last year and flagged these particular essays as being exceptional or unique. “It’s not voices of the rejected,” quipped fourth-year Michael Finnegan who saw last year’s production, “it’s Voices of the Class.”

Regardless of how this performance affects you, rest assured it will affect you somehow. If you can get a ticket, that is. Performances are tonight and tomorrow night at 8:00, with a 2:30 matinee on Sunday.

“This show is hype, yo,” boasts Voices star Ronnie Washington. “Steven Shepard has more dumps than a truck, truck, truck. I emphasize that third truck.”

Thomas Jefferson could not be reached for comment.

Labor Day weekend usually heralds two things: marked down prices in all stores (except, of course, the University Bookstore) and the end of summer reruns.

Which means that for one starry night – this Sunday – fans will get a reprieve from this dry spell. Viewers’ favorite small screen stars will gather to do one of their favorite things: give awards to each other.

That’s right, it’s Emmy time yet again. And this year, the Academy of Television Arts and Sciences was on the ball in saluting last season’s best, with only a couple of exceptions. As I run down the top categories, saying who should and probably will win, I’ll let you know where I think Emmy erred.

One sin of omission occurred with Emmy favoring “ER,” a show now struggling to find its creative pulse, over the beautifully-woven “Once and Again.” The other nominees, “Law and Order,” “The Practice,” “The Sopranos” and “The West Wing” are all top-notch, though the race comes down to the latter two shows. “Sopranos,” riding a wave of hyperbolic acclaim, has the edge, but don’t count “West” out. Academy members voted when political conventions reached a fever pitch, and that may have influenced them to cast a pre-Election Day presidential vote.

The heavy influence of “Sopranos” continues to dominate the dramatic acting categories. For Best Lead Actor, count on James Gandolfini to take home the gold for his textured work as a hit man. His fellow nominees include a President (Martin Sheen on “West”) and crime fighters Jerry Orbach and Sam Waterston (“Law and Order”) and Dennis Franz (“NYPD Blue”). Franz, a quadruple Emmy victor, is out of place here. His work last season was of no comparison to the delicacy that the un-nominated Billy Campbell brought to his single father on “Again.”

Campbell’s co-star Sela Ward did manage to snag a nod in the Lead Actress category. While she and the great Amy Brenneman (“Judging Amy”) both deserve the statuette, look for Edie Falco (“Sopranos”) to reprise her win in this field last year. Lorraine Bracco’s (“Sopranos”) and Julianna Margulies’ (“ER”) weak seasons take them out of contention.

On the comedic side, Best Comedy Series is anybody’s guess. “Friends” and “Everybody Loves Raymond” were nearly flawless last year, and neither holds a prior win in this category. However, both five-time winner “Frasier” and “Will and Grace” scored big during the year. And new episodes of the current season of “Sex and the City,” the fifth nominee, make it a popular choice too. I think Emmy will be there for “Friends,” but don’t be shocked if she falls in love with “Grace.”

While Debra Messing (“Grace”) and the fantastically dry-witted Patricia Heaton (“Raymond”) both earned Best Actress nods in the comedy category, this field boils down to a dead heat between the bland Jenna Elfman (“Dharma and Greg”) and Sarah Jessica Parker (“Sex”). Parker’s Golden Globe win last winter made her an early front-runner, but she does face some fierce competition from dark horse Jane Kaczmarek (“Malcolm in the Middle”).

No offense to comedic Best Actor nominees Kelsey Grammer (“Frasier”), John Lithgow (“3rd Rock from the Sun”), Eric McCormack (“Grace”) and Ray Romano (“Raymond”), but this year the award belongs to TV-retiree Michael J. Fox (“Spin City”), not because this season was his swan song, but because his genius raised the bar for all comedic actors to follow in any medium. He always went out on a limb for a laugh, but never lost sight of his character’s dignity.

I can’t think of anything more award-worthy than that.

One dining moment

It’s easy to complain about dining hall food.

Therefore, for this editorial, we will refuse to talk about the quality of food. After all, lasagna can only be but so good when it’s cooked in pans designed to serve 50 people with ingredients bought in bulk.

Instead, we’d like to take a look at some of the issues we have with the Newcomb Hall dining facility.

First of all, when did the cups for the take out service suddenly shrink? Last year, you could put a good 16 ounces of ? or so in the Styrofoam cups provided. This year, with the new and inferior cups, we’re lucky to get even 12 ounces.

This wouldn’t bother us if we were actually sitting down for our meals. Since we’re taking the meal away, however, it’s a concern. The smaller cups must fulfill the weighty responsibility of quenching the thirst of a student on the go. We’re paying the same amount as the presumably less busy students that have the time to sit down. The busier students deserve, at least, cups that are up to the challenge of providing an adequate amount of liquid refreshment.

Another concern is that the serving lines consistently run out of popular entrees, especially in the smaller serving area at the northern end of the second floor hallway.

We’re sure the administration for the Newcomb dining hall keeps track of their popular meals, and which areas of the dining hall are frequented the most by students. Perhaps the serving plan should be reviewed, in order to insure that each popular serving area remains well stocked.

Sure, the dining halls of the University are never going to achieve 5-star status, but giving their customers their money’s worth is certainly within their reach.

Make some noise 2

While last week’s football game was somewhat exciting, the noise was not exactly what we had in mind. The renovations the stadium underwent over the last 2 years have created a facility that can capture sound. The place is supposed to be louder, but it certainly didn’t sound like it.

Remember students, if you scream yourself hoarse, you have an excuse for not participating in your discussion sections Monday.

To help matters, we have a couple suggestions for things to say at the game tomorrow:

Anytime Ljubomir Stamenich, number 91, makes a big tackle, shout his nickname, Lube. Half the crowd does it already, so get with the program.

Since Virginia running backs aren’t very fashionable candidates for the Heisman trophy, perhaps the crowd should begin lobbying for Antwoine Womack now. If he keeps running like he did last week, he should be high on Heisman voters list next December.

As for some football players predicting that students will start leaving the game at halftime, let’s make a deal. If the fans stay for the second half, the defense should do the same.

When the Cavaliers pass

Dan Ellis completed 13 of his 23 passes for 217 yards last week, numbers that should only go up against a tiny Spider secondary. The Hill brothers, Jason (5-foot-8) and Harold (5-7), are small cornerbacks, and strong safety David Giles (5-8) somehow managed to lead the team with 110 tackles. Do not confuse free safety Chad Blackstock with the guy who sang the national anthem last week.

The Richmond mighty mites will attempt to contain Virginia’s 6-4 starting wideouts, Billy McMullen and Kevin Coffey, as well as 6-0 backup Demetrius Dotson, who broke through with the best game of his career against BYU.

Dotson’s 99-yard performance overshadowed the disappearance of McMullen, the talented sophomore who caught his only pass of the game on the third play from scrimmage. Likewise, Ellis did not have an eye-popping day – and his overtime interception represented perhaps the worst possible time to make his only egregious mistake – but he seems to have settled into the leadership role expected of a senior quarterback.

When the Cavaliers run

Virginia fans are clamoring for Antwoine Womack to start at tailback, but Cav coach George Welsh plans to stick with sophomore Arlen Harris as the starter, even after Womack piled up twice as many rushing yards against the Cougars. Harris is expected to play despite slightly spraining his ankle in the second quarter last week, but Welsh said he does plan to increase Womack’s carries this week.

Richmond senior captain Mac Janney made 101 tackles last season from his spot at middle linebacker, and Marcus Neal provides support on the outside. They have their work cut out for them trying to stop a Cavalier rushing attack that churned for 270 yards last week, especially since the Virginia offensive line should control the trenches against the Spider linemen.

When the Spiders pass

Maybe that should be a question: When the Spiders pass? They don’t do it often. Junior quarterback Sean Gustus is cut from the Tommie Frazier mold, a slippery runner who threw only 11 passes last week. He completed only four of those attempts for 28 yards in what was his first career start.

Losing last year’s starting wide receivers to the NFL further hampered Richmond’s passing game. Nowadays, starters Ryan Tolhurst and Dan McNair are used more often for their downfield blocking than their pass-catching skills.

This easily could add up to a slow day for the Virginia secondary, but the young defensive backs must make sure they don’t concentrate too much on run support and get sucked in by the play-action fake, as strong safety Shernard Newby did on one memorable occasion last week.

When the Spiders run

Richmond’s bread and butter is its option running game. Gustus found playing time last year as the starting punt returner, but this season he returns to his usual spot under center. He has a solid tailback behind him in senior waterbug TyRonne Turner (5-8, 185), though Gustus himself led the Spiders with 88 yards rushing against Bucknell, when Richmond rushed 60 times.

The Cavaliers will get good practice defending the option against solid but unspectacular competition. Upcoming opponents like Clemson, North Carolina, Maryland and Wake Forest will provide far stiffer tests.

The Cavs have the talent at linebacker – watch speed demon sophomore Angelo Crowell especially – to corral Gustus and Turner but need to stay with their assignments, a task which gave them problems at times in the season opener.

Special Teams

Richmond’s best chance to hang around may be making big plays on special teams, and Spider wide receiver Cordell Roane is a prime candidate for the job. The 5-9 burner led the nation with an average kick return of 36.2 yards last season.

Cavalier placekicker David Greene missed his potential game-winning 48-yard field goal against Brigham Young, but that was a lot to ask of a junior on his first career attempt.

When you think of the success of Cavalier football, what comes to mind? True, the Cav trophy case lacks a national championship, but Virginia is represented quite well in the NFL this season.

In fact, 24 former Cavalier football players were on NFL rosters when the pro season opened last weekend. Of the 156 former ACC players on NFL rosters, Virginia had 24, trailing only Florida State and North Carolina. Five 2000 graduates are playing on Sundays now: running back Thomas Jones (Arizona Cardinals), tight end Casey Crawford (Carolina Panthers), defensive tackle Maurice Anderson (New York Jets), center John St. Clair (St. Louis Rams) and cornerback Antwan Harris (New England Patriots).

The NFL teams with former Cavaliers are the Ravens, Browns, Colts, Falcons, Lions, Dolphins, Patriots, Packers, Saints, Rams, and Buccaneers.

So no longer do Virginia fans have to sing the “Good Old Song” just on Saturdays, because there are several reasons for them to cheer on Sundays.

Hit the road, Jack …

The No. 18 Cavalier women’s soccer team, fresh off a 1-0 win against Alabama-Birmingham Tuesday night, is headed to Connecticut to take on the No. 7 Hartford Hawks tomorrow night.

Junior co-captain Lori Lindsey, the only scorer in Tuesday’s game, said yesterday she likely will play against the Hawks, despite a sprained left ankle that has her using a crutch.

… and don’t you come back no more

The Virginia women’s volleyball team is in action again today and tomorrow in Ohio. The Cavaliers (3-1) will play Western Michigan, Middle Tennessee State and the host team, Xavier, in a round-robin tournament.

Tomorrow’s contest between Richmond and Virginia will be a game of contrasts. Coming off a 38-35 overtime loss to Brigham Young last weekend, the Cavaliers are facing a Spider team fresh off a 10-7 victory over Bucknell.

Starting at 3:30 p.m. at Scott Stadium, Virginia hopes to redeem itself, something Richmond well understands.

“We were hoping and praying Virginia would win 56-0″ against BYU, Spider coach Jim Reid said. “We know they are angry now.”

History is on the side of the Cavs. In 1997, a week after a season-opening home loss to Auburn, Virginia defeated Richmond 26-7. In a sloppily played game, the Cavalier defense recovered three Spider fumbles to set up three Cav touchdowns.

Richmond “snuck up on us in ’97,” Virginia senior cornerback Tim Spruill explained. “We kind of expected them to roll over and they didn’t. We have to be careful with Richmond.”

Although the Spiders lost two wideouts to the NFL, the new Richmond offense gives the Cavalier defense several reasons to be careful. Led by first-time starter Sean Gustus at quarterback and offensive lineman Eric Beatty, an All-American candidate, the Spiders option running attack presents a far different challenge than BYU’s pass-happy offense.

Last week, the Spiders carried the ball 60 times and passed only 11. The option, which forces many solo tackles, will put tremendous pressure on the Cavalier defense, which tackled poorly against BYU.

“I’ve got to make sure the team knows exactly what we’re doing on defense and that the team is emotionally ready,” Virginia coach George Welsh explained.

Said senior linebacker Byron Thweatt: “Option football is all about responsibility.”

Against the Spiders, tackling will be at a premium for the Virginia defense, which gave up 38 points after halftime last week.

On the other side of the ball, the Virginia offense will be facing a Spider defense that allowed zero second-half points and only 33 rushing yards last weekend against Bucknell.

“We just looked at the [1997] Richmond game, and it’s probably going to be the same defense from three years ago. That really was a struggle,” Welsh said.

The Cavaliers hope they can rebound with a victory and follow in the footsteps of the 1994 and 1995 Virginia squads, which lost their season openers and went on to win nine games.

“I hope they would know that we’re hungry and the blood’s in the water,” Thweatt said. “We lost and we’re going to go out there and play a hell of a game.”

• Starting defensive end
  
• Redshirt junior
  
• 6-foot-3, 250 pounds
  
• Langley H.S.
  
• Great Falls, Va.
  
• Sociology major
  

  
  

• Only member of the defensive line to start every game last season
  
• Tied Cav record with two forced fumbles against Maryland
  
• Tormented BYU quarterback Kevin Feterik in last year’s Virginia win, racking up five tackles, two sacks and a season-high four quarterback hurries
  

Q: Last year, the Virginia media guide said you “loved to draw.” Why is that gone this year?

A: When I was younger and through high school, I enjoyed art. Sketching, things like that. It was a leisure activity, but with football and class now, there’s not too much time to do much else. I guess it went from art to watching TV.

Q: Obviously, the NFL is every college football player’s dream, but are you realistically planning on that?

A: I’m just hoping to play football as long as I can, and just see wherever it takes me in life and see what type of people it’ll introduce me to and opportunities it might bring. The NFL would be great, but if that doesn’t work out, I’d try to play overseas. Just anywhere I could – Arena League, I wouldn’t care. As long as my body would take it and someone will have me, I’ll just keep playing. Before I have to get a real job, I guess.

Q: Any funny stories growing up in Great Falls with a name like Ljubomir Stamenich?

A: The first day of class is always interesting. Since I’ve been young, since elementary school, it’s always fun to see how the teachers pronounce it. Sometimes they put letters in there that aren’t even on the roll. I don’t understand. There’s a guide in the media guide [Loo ba meer STAM en itch], so I always wondered how commentators and announcers might get it wrong. I should probably get a pronunciation guide for the roll or something. I never thought it was too hard. “Lube” has been with me since I was young.

Q: Speaking of which, we’ve now got Thweatt pops to help Byron’s All-American candidacy. Are we going to see free Lube job promotions anytime soon?

A: [smiles] I doubt it. I don’t think I have that type of image or character on the team. Maybe next year, as long as I produce on the field. There might be an opportunity for that, but right now, I don’t see it happening.

Q: With your parents having immigrated from Serbia, is that culture a part of your life?

A: The older I’ve gotten, the less and less it’s been that way. When I was younger, it was involved in my household, but since I’ve come here to school, it’s been kind of difficult. I’m here 10, 11 months out of the year, so it’s not a big part of my life. I still speak Serbian when I’m at home with my parents. It’s kind of a mix of English and Serbian. And my Serbian is slowly getting worse and worse. I actually have a Serbian book just in case I forget some words.

Virginia 26, Richmond 7

• Sept. 13, 1997
  
• Charlottesville, Va.

Led by a trio of current pros, the Cavalier defense smothered the Richmond offense all day, setting up three touchdowns in Virginia’s 26-7 win at Scott Stadium.

Middle linebacker Wali Rainer, safety Anthony Poindexter and defensive end Patrick Kerney helped hold the Division I-AA Spiders to 171 yards of total offense as the Cav defense forced four Richmond turnovers.

The game’s first play from scrimmage provided a glimpse of what was to come for the Spider offense, as defensive tackle Antonio Dingle caused a fumble that cornerback Dwayne Stukes scooped up and returned for a 17-yard score.

Defensive end Andreas Karelis set up Virginia’s second touchdown with a fumble recovery as well. Thomas Jones – who had his first career 100-yard game with 117 – scored from the two-yard line to boost the halftime lead to 17-0.

After Richmond trimmed the lead to 10 with a third-quarter score, the Cavaliers responded with nine points in the final quarter.

RICHMOND-Virginia field hockey coach Jessica Wilk would like all her games to go this well.

Take an early lead. Play stifling defense for 70 minutes. Then sit back and watch as your goalkeeper swats back everything headed her way. What more could you ask?

Try this: Do it again tomorrow. Less than 24 hours after the Cavs (2-1) walked off Crenshaw Field in Richmond last night with an impressive 3-0 victory over the Spiders (2-3), they’ll go at it again versus Northwestern. Today at 4 p.m. at the University Hall Turf Field, the Cavaliers will try to duplicate the same defensive intensity and offensive execution they showed last night.

“We think we can play back-to-back and win,” Wilk said. “We played a good game in the sense that we made good corrections in the second half, but we can’t be satisfied with just the result of the win. We need to make some improvements before Northwestern.”

Virginia had the game in hand nearly from the beginning. Only six minutes in, junior midfielder Carrie Goodloe took a deflected shot off a penalty corner and rifled it past Richmond goalkeeper Brooke Fuller into the center of the cage. With a one-goal lead and momentum, the Cavs kept the Spiders at bay for the rest of the half. They managed only two shots and four penalty corners, while Virginia continued to attack, piling up 11 shots and five corners.

But if Cav goalie Becky Worthington thought she wasn’t going to be tested yesterday afternoon, she had the wrong idea. Richmond features a strong attack with 1999 All-CAA forward Heather Rice and junior midfielder Holly Chase. Both came into the game red-hot: Rice with 16 points and Chase with seven, both in only four games. Worthington ended their luck, however, by making save after athletic save in the second half – five in all – and recording her first shutout of the season.

“That’s the best Becky’s ever played,” said Richmond coach Shelly Behrens, who coached Worthington on the national team. “In the second half, we played well and stuck to the game plan, but the goalkeeping by Virginia was very good.”

With 6:16 left in the first half, Cav midfielder Jessica Coleman put her team up 2-0 with a flip to the top right-hand corner of the goal. When Cav back Kelli Hill scored on a soft ground ball with 22:45 left, Virginia knew it would take a miracle for the Spiders to crawl back in.

As Worthington looked like an impenetrable wall in goal, Virginia saw just how well it could play if all the pieces fit together. Coleman, the sparkplug of the offense, scored her first goal of the year. Promising freshman back Katie Jo Gerfen notched an assist. On defense, sweeper Julia Richardson teamed with Gerfen, Hill, Kristy Sott and Mason White to shut down Rice and Chase. Even Cav forward Lorraine Vizzuso took advantage of the blowout by icing her knees in preparation for the Wildcats today.

Meanwhile, the Spiders, decked out in spandex shorts rather than the customary skirts (last weekend, they joined Michigan as the only field hockey programs to eliminate skirts from their uniforms), watched in envy at a team with everything clicking.

“They’re right in the thick of things,” Behrens said about the Cavs. “They have great individual talent and a great goalkeeper. This is a team that is going to be a legitimate contender in the ACC and around the region.”