First of all, I just want to let you know you all make me sick. I know you don’t read my column every week. You never friended me on Facebook just based on my dashing good looks and snarky sasstalk — by snarky, I mean I put down people to build myself up on account of my severe self-esteem issues. You also never got offended by my columns which are always racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic, classist, inane, unresearched and … is there a word for mocking future attendants of the Special Olympics?

Meanwhile, some Opinion columnists get a letter to the editor every time they compliment someone a little incorrectly. Oh, right, subtlety was never my strong point — I’m talking to you Matt Dickey! I shoulda known you were trouble when I found out you were the friend crush of Katelyn Mendoza, my hypocritical competition — seriously, I only like doing things that I hate other people doing, like tailgating, making obscure television references, blowing bubbles with my gum loudly on Clemons first floor, etc. I won’t mention the heinous hypocrisy of Miss Mendoza, but the point is the little attention whore — I hate them, despite being one — is extorting me to get in this week’s tirade — I mean column tehehe.

Wait, what was I talking about? Oh right, I was obscurely referencing an episode of “Strangers with Candy.” So first of all, I just want to let you know that I hate all my readers. Now stop looking for the Sudoku and read my column g-dangit!

So the other Life columnists — can’t I write just one of these columns without insulting my peers? Of course not, they’re terrible … Anyway, they’re all writing final send-offs with advice for the summer and saying goodbye to their loyal readership, which consists of their parents and bored high school siblings. That’s not really the name of my game; advice is just constructive criticism and I’m really more into destructive cynicism ever since Mandy Moore’s latest music video made me lose faith in my one idol and thus lose faith in humanity and the world at large. I say I want to crash my car to test the airbags but that’s a lie*, I really just can’t survive in a world in which Mandy Moore disappoints. And by one idol, I mean besides God tehehe — I’m not going to heck with you and your 50 million friends that praise false idols like Kelly Clarkson and that fatty Ruben — ask me why I think he’s not famous anymore and I’ll give you 350 reasons lolz**. Also unlike the other Life columnists, I’m not saying goodbye, because I never said hello. Vocal greetings are for the socially desperate. When I see someone I’m tryna Facebook friend, I just use that one-finger sorostitute wave. It really screams that not only can I not be bothered with using my voice, but you’re not even worth a hand rotation sucka.

So my final column will be about my fave thing — pep-pill-induced, song-filled emotional breakdowns … wait, I meant me — I’m my favorite thing. So since I’m graduating and becoming incredibly emotional — I know I did not cry three separate times during “17 Again” because of the dramatic prowess of Zac Efron — here are the six things I’m going to miss the most about U.Va. It was going to be seven things, but a “certain” society kicked me out for adding “wink wink” after using the number seven in all of my Twitter updates, so anyway I no longer use that number. Bezidez they’re all juzt the unpopular verzion of a better zecret zociety that will go unnamed becauze they haven’t kicked me out yet. Zzzz zorry, fell azleep for a zecond.

1. My column

Where else can I subtly reveal my glaring ADHD by taking 600 words in an 800-word column to finally get to my topic? Since you’ve never read any of my columns, you lil’ Judas you, I’ll summarize the past 17 rants … again. 17 … again. You see what I did there? Subtle Zac Efron*** movie reference! Speaking of celebrity mentions, that’s really all I did with this column. Miley Cyrus got mentioned in four columns. Jonas Brothers, Tina Fey, Doug Funnie, Paris Hilton, Ben McKenzie and Mandy all snuck into three columns. Meanwhile, Obama only got in two. Yep, that’s all the celebrities I ever mentioned. All perfectly healthy levels of fandom. Oh, I also exposed the age-old query, what’s cooler, abbrevs or acros? So I went back and counted how many times I used the swell abbrev “obvi” — or it’s hip, new cousin — “obvz” — versus how many times I used the nifty acro “omg.” And just like [insert a tactful 9/11 joke here cuz those exist, right?], omg lost 9 to 11 to obvi/obvz.****

2. Honor code

While I’m a klepto, cliché and compulsive liar, I still love the honor code. It’s my excuse for being brutally honest when assessing your heinous shortcomings — like every time I comment on one of my friend’s Facebook pictures. If only you could detag your face in real life, pal!

3. Student self-governance

I don’t even know what that means, but that’s because I can’t read and cheated on my SATs to get in here. But I’m pretty sure it means something about getting free flavored ice on Matt Schrimpblimp’s dime, and I’m fine with that.

4. Having dreams

Okay here’s some advice, junior, once you’re outta college, it’s time to stop having hopes for the future. The future is here sucka, and after 22, it’s all downhill. For instance, I’ve always had the secret***** goal of becoming morbidly obese. Not only could I have become a self-selected minority so I could’ve gotten into a good, non-public college instead of this heckhole, but I also could’ve joined the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance, or NAAFA******, and I could be a mall Santa and live through small children’s dreams — consumerism-fueled, selfish dreams, but that’s the only kind worth having — where the flip is my pony, Santa?!

5. The Lawn

Speaking of ruined dreams, with my poor credit score — oh, and criminal record — I’m never going to own a house with a yard and a picket fence and all that American Dream BS, so the only lawn I’ll ever get to hang out with is the Lawn. And by hang out with, I mean get nine of my closest friends I just met and play Red Rover with streakers. I believe the girl who I saw too much of posed this eloquent question, “Why are you people******* doing this to me!?” before feigning left and then going right … screaming away right to the magical Rotunda with her pasty, pudgy rolls flapping in the sacred wind of the Lawn like a majestic glob of Jell-O.

6. Diversity

Just kidding. Isn’t this just appreciating differences for differences’ sake? That’s like saying I want to hang out with both Paris and Nicole — even though Nicole’s obvi the funny one, and Paris is a vapid, three-tagline-spouting horse-faced disaster********. Why can’t I be picky, and just hang out with Nicole? Basically, diversity tells me to lower my standards and it wants to bore me and give me chlamydia.

* FYI, you do remember I confessed to being a compulsive liar in a previous column, right?

** Remember the LOL Theory? Of course not, you don’t read all my columns and that’s why you’re not invited to my birthday party INBD.

*** This will be his 12th column DBJ.

**** Too soon? Cuz that’s what the doctor told my mom when my ex-brother was born prematurely.

***** By secret, I mean, the kind of secret that only me and 10,000 strangers who pick up a copy of The Cavalier Daily know. Other examples of “secrets” include I think HSM3 was a pretty good movie and that these columns are only funny before my editors edit out the curse words — mainly to half the word count because I’ve got the mouth of a &^%$ !)@* (!*&@)! sailor.

****** Hypocritically, though, I hate to write out that acronym — it is the most evil organization this side of PETA — which I hate because I was totes on team Cruella de Vil — those nasty yaptrap dogs would’ve made a great coat — plus if they could’ve just hurried up and been drowned and skinned, the most boring Disney movie of all time might have been over quicker.

******* By “you people,” I realize it sounds like this stupid girl — is that redundant? — was being racist. And she was — we were all white. So after we finally caught up to her and played more Red Rover with her — and by “played Red Rover,” I mean we savagely clotheslined her — I then filled out a bias report, because diversity is like the greatest thing ever and that horrid close-minded hater’s views and opinions have no place in my diverse funland.

******** And I’m not just insulting her because she crushed my dreams — see number four — by not picking me to be on Paris Hilton’s New BFF Season Two — I never hold a grudge — except about Matt Dickey, Katelyn Mendoza, people that don’t return my texts (a category under which Matt Dickey also falls), Santa and my readers for not reading me enough — you’re all the worst, and I hope you get a paper cut from this paper — or maybe eye cancer if you’re reading this on the computer.

Steve’s column ran weekly Fridays. He can be reached at s.austin@cavalierdaily.com.