I have seen only two truly terrible movies in my life — “La Moustache” and “Twilight.” The former, a French movie, is about some guy who wakes up one day to find his moustache gone. When he asks his family about how this came to be, nobody even knows what he is talking about. They claimed he’s never had a moustache in the first place!

The movie would have been intriguing if it had not gone on for an hour and a half, with the same scene of him looking shocked in a mirror about the sudden disappearance of moustache — which, if you ask me, was an improvement. If you’re not a porn star from the ’70’s, lose the ’stache.

In any case, my dislike for that movie is nothing compared to the burning, all-consuming hatred I have for “Twilight,” the worst movie ever made.

Where to begin? Well, for the sake of fairness, I will start with the positives. The soundtrack was decent and there is a character named Jasper, which I think is a nice name.

And … Yeah, now we’re done with the positives. So, why do I hate thee, “Twilight”? Let me count the ways.

Right off the bat, the casting for “Twilight” was an absolute shame. Nikki Reed, of Italian and Cherokee descent, cast as a blonde? Hmm. I know there is a terrible dearth of blonde actresses in Hollywood but I have to think that someone, somewhere could have put in a little more effort to find an actress who could at least pass as blonde.

And Bella. I can’t recall a time where I have been in more pain watching someone attempt to act. Kristen “Block of Wood” Stewart cast as a lead? What did we do to deserve this? Her one expression, absolute boredom, is never appropriate in the movie. In the books — not that I’ve read them or anything — Bella is funny. She’s got gumption and, well, emotions. Kristen Stewart, instead of being likeable, is a vacuous hole where a personality should be. Although you’d think after all the panning her acting received, she would take some classes. But no. She looked just as inanimate in the next movie. Geez.

Now I risk death in saying this, but Robert Pattinson? Eh. I mean, he’s cute and I dig the accent, but I think as far as “object of my affection” goes, we could all do better.

Adding to my already great displeasure with this movie is the “Team Edward” and “Team Jacob” debate. As if the movie itself wasn’t bad enough, I have to hear, in real-life conversations, about which mildly attractive person everyone wants to win. First, I just want to say if you own a shirt displaying either one, we must never meet. Second, Taylor Lautner is 17. Don’t be gross.

“Twilight,” in general, was just a snoozefest. Once I realized that I would not enjoy my cinematic experience, I thought, “OK, maybe I can just make fun of the film to dull the throbbing pain of viewing it.” I was wrong. Not only is it bad, it’s also not silly enough to make fun of — two things that make for a tragically boring movie.

Now, admittedly, it is strange that I would dispense this much time and effort talking about a movie that came out a year ago. Why now? Well, as I have heard 9,000 separate times, “New Moon,” or “Twilight 2,” for the true fans out there, is coming out this month.

Because I have been repeatedly asked if I am going to see this movie and am tired of saying, “Absolutely not, I’d rather gouge my eyes out,” I have written this column as my answer. If I do hear this question again, be sure that I will launch into a rant lasting about 45 minutes about how truly terrible the whole series of movies is sure to be. So please, for your sake and mine, resist the urge and refer to the text above.

Belle’s column runs biweekly Thursdays. She can be reached at b.gamble@cavalerdaily.com.