The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is my guilty pleasure. For those of you who do not know, it is a reality television show which follows the lives of several wealthy Beverly Hills women. Generally the show is an enjoyable stress release. I have become increasingly concerned with what I have been watching, however, and my concern grew to a breaking point a couple shows ago.
One of the women on the show, Taylor Armstrong, is a victim of domestic violence. Taylor’s husband, Russell, allegedly beat and degraded her, sometimes in front of their young daughter. Russell committed suicide not too long after the details of Taylor’s abuse went public on the show.
Watching how the other women on the show responded to Taylor’s abuse was disturbing. On a couple of episodes, the housewives themselves talked in front of Russell about the abuse details which Taylor had told them in private. Taylor would try and argue with Russell that the others were relaying an “exaggerated version” of what she had told them — even though Taylor knew the claims were true. Unresponsive to Taylor’s hesitations, the other women pressed forward and relayed the claims of abuse — behavior which only made Russell angrier.
Rather than affirming her account, the women on the show were distrustful of Taylor’s story. The women could not understand why Taylor would remain in the marriage if these terrible, violent details were true. Instead of supporting and sticking up for Taylor, the other housewives’ assumption was that Taylor must be lying or exaggerating — that no one would ever remain in such a violent situation.
A couple episodes ago, my concern, as I said, came to a breaking point. The housewives were trying to make sense of Taylor’s story. Their conclusion was simple. There are two types of women, they said, strong and weak. Strong women have perfect lives and perfect marriages. Weak women, like Taylor, are prone to abuse. Taylor was trapped in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage because she was a weak woman.
When I heard the other housewives call Taylor a “weak woman” I was infuriated. I could not believe what I was hearing. I could not believe that on national television, on a show which often appeals to young females, these women called Taylor weak.
Taylor is not a weak woman — nor is any other woman who is or has been trapped in an abusive relationship. Being abused by your partner has nothing to do with being weak or having an inherent character flaw that makes abuse inevitable.
Abusers destroy a victim’s sense of self-worth long before the physical violence begins. This process of degradation coincides with isolating victims from their support systems. Victims are no longer allowed to go out with their friends or see their family. By the time physical violence begins, many victims believe the violence is warranted and have lost an outside support system to tell them it is not.
Furthermore, the cycle of domestic violence is a very large reason why women stay, or stay for too long. Domestic violence occurs in a vicious cycle. Abusers lash out at their victims and then attempt to offer excuses for their violence, often blaming their victims for some kind of flaw or behavior which has caused the violence. Abusers then apologize wholeheartedly and swear the violence will never happen again; they treat their partners with unauthentic kindness. This phase ends with setting up the victim for some kind of wrongdoing, which gives way to abuse and the cycle begins again.
Financial dependency, the loss of self-esteem and social support and this vicious cycle are how women often get trapped in abusive relationships. It has nothing to do with weakness or a character flaw. It has to do with abusers’ total manipulation of victims at their most vulnerable point — love. Victims often still love their abusers. When abusers treat their victims with respect and apologize for their abusive behavior, it is so easy to believe them. Because domestic violence plays on the inherent human desire to love and be loved, it can happen to anyone. It is not a matter of weakness or strength, but a matter of our vulnerability as humans. And certainly no one is immune to that.
Considering the ongoing George Huguely trial, this is an important time for everyone in the University community to learn more about domestic violence and ways to prevent it. Resources such as the Sexual and Domestic Violence Services at the University’s Women’s Center offer a wealth of knowledge, as well as support for those struggling in an abusive situation.
Domestic violence can be stopped. We all have a responsibility to our fellow students and friends at the University. If you notice a friend becoming more and more isolated in the wake of a new relationship, follow up on it. Do not let them lose you as a source of support. And most importantly, always listen with open ears if a friend ever tells you about abusive or controlling behavior. Your friend needs someone to talk to and needs to be believed.
For the women out there who are being abused, remember: You are strong; let no one tell you otherwise. You can break the cycle.
Jamie Dailey’s column appears biweekly Fridays in The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at j.dailey@cavalierdaily.com.