The examined Greek life

An ideal sorority experience is not possible given what is taken in houses as essential

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All this fuss about rush got me thinking, and I've pretty much decided to start a sorority. I've wanted to go Greek for some time and I figure that now is as good a time as any. My sorority is going to be a little different from the ones you've heard about, but nothing outrageous. And if that's upsetting to you then I guess you don't belong here.

First off, my sorority is serious about the whole "unbreakable bond" thing. This isn't the type of place where we just schlep around and plot to marry someone from the Commerce School. All I'm asking is if you're with us to plan on doing some sorority things. We're not really into getting all dolled up and going to fancy restaurants. For us it's mostly Skyrim, skeet shooting, drug-induced philosophy or all three at once.

The rush process is very different for my sorority than it is for other sororities, and it usually takes a bit longer, too. Don't worry, though, we have our own way of doing things. Instead of going through all the trouble of judging rushees from the start, we decided it'd be easiest for us to have them sign-in and feel welcome.

Of course the whole thing is dry, just like it would be in any other sorority. Unless for some religious reason you are required to drink, in which case it's not our call to stop you. We actually have a keg upstairs just for this kind of thing.

I know what you're thinking and no, there's no "hazing" in my sorority of any sort that I'm allowed to tell you about. I am proud to say that my sorority will induct pledges using the highest standards of what we call "competitive liver endurance." Also, we're thinking of getting a Dave Matthews cover band on opening night. I don't know. I'm still working out the details.

Here, I'll help you get that keg going.

Most sororities have fundamental values that bring their members together, and mine is no exception. For one thing, we don't believe in trashing food unless it's at least three weeks past the expiration date. And there's also that heap of empty beer cans we keep for decoration. It's just a neat little idea one of our members found on Pinterest.

By the way, anything goes here as long as you pretend to clean up the house.

Unlike other sororities, mine holds weekly viewings of "Archer" and "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia." Afterwards we like to spend days quoting the episodes and passing off the jokes as our own.

It's kind of weird, but the channel "TLC" doesn't work in my sorority for whatever reason.

If you're looking for a good time, my sorority likes to host crazy parties on an almost nightly basis. I wish I could tell you more about them, but unfortunately you have to know a member to get in.

All in all, I see my sorority being a pretty successful one. I talked to some of my hallmates about it, and they said my sorority sounded like a stupid idea, which is fine with me because there are no girls allowed anyway.

Denise Taylor is a Viewpoint writer for The Cavalier Daily.