Along with hundreds of high school seniors, my pseudo little sister is coming to visit this weekend to decide if she wants to call U.Va. home for the next four years. She's already received several admission offers at schools which would be lucky to have her, but I have 48 hours to convince her U.Va. is the best place for her. At first, inspired by Ian William's famous Daily Tar Heel column "Why I Hate Duke," I set out to describe why every rival school is sub-par. I realized, however, this strategy would be too time-consuming, since everyone wants to be your rival when you're the best. Instead, I decided to explain, citing concrete examples, why U.Va. is not just any old university; it's actually "The University."
Let's start at the very beginning. Thomas Jefferson was by far the sexiest founding father. Despite being a ginger, he was a total fox, and fortunately for all of us his statues and face are everywhere around these hallowed Grounds. Plus, his life was totally scandalous. What more could you ask for in a founder? To be the president of the United States? To have created the Declaration of Independence? Yeah, he did that too. No big deal.
Grounds are gorgeous. Everything looks just the way T.J. would have wanted. Even Memorial Gym boasts columns at its entrance. At first I despised the rolling hills; in fact, they were the only thing I disliked. But it turns out the hills are really a plus: Get a tight little ass just by walking to class. Besides, the view from Observatory Hill is absolutely spectacular.
The weather is perfect too. Your first fall at the University, you think it's the most beautiful it could ever be. Then in the winter, it snows, and everything is covered in a stunning white blanket. Finally comes spring, and the trees and flowers bloom. Everything is fresh and colorful, and the entire University enters a state of bliss.
But wait, there's more! That's not all that's attractive. The people are gorgeous. Our students are pretty fine - any one of those worthless college ranking sites could tell you that - but so are our mentors. I mean, have you seen Dean Groves?
And while I'm talking about the faculty and staff, let me just say they're awesome. Dean Groves is more than just good-looking; the silver fox also has a heart of gold. The faculty and staff genuinely care about all the students here. Ms. Kathy, who swipes you into Newcomb, is probably the nicest woman to have ever walked the earth.
But back to what really matters. There's only one word to describe the social scene here - unparalleled. University students never leave on the weekends; instead, kids come here to party. I'm pretty sure the official school motto is "work hard, play hard."
You wake up after your raging night out on the Corner or Rugby Road, and you're obviously hungry. You don't lie in your bed eating stale Cheerios out of the box. Oh no, you're going to Bodo's. Bodo's has been continually voted the best hangover food. It's the place to be seen the morning after. Even following a rough night, you get out of bed and get right back into the social scene. That's how hard we go.
Speaking of culinary matters, it's rumored Charlottesville has more restaurants per capita than New York City. The world's greatest dumplings (only $3), the most addictive house dressing, froyo smothered in gooey brownie batter, and the greatest late-night eats ever - all within half a mile - you can't beat it. Also, we now have a Cookout, so you know that in itself should be enough.
I'm sure the University Guide Service told you all about the little UNESCO World Heritage Site which is the symbol of our University. The Lawn is the perfect center for the University. During football season, you can go to tailgates on the Lawn. Every Halloween we host Trick-or-Treating on the Lawn, where the most adorable future Cavaliers you've ever seen congregate, play in the leaves and experience a total sugar high. And in December everyone goes to the Lighting of the Lawn, an event filled with singing, hot chocolate, a poem read by professors, ice sculptures and tons of lights. In the spring, you can lie out and tan with your besties, instead of going to your two o'clock lecture. What could be better?
Finally and most importantly, the people here rock. Everyone is happy to be here. I mean, how could you not be? Students here genuinely care about each other, and there's a place and a niche for everyone.
We're not the only people who think we're awesome. In 2011, The Huffington Post ranked the University the preppiest school. GQ in 2009 named us the 25th-douchiest college, and home of the "blue blazer douche." Well, haters gonna hate.
To quote ESPN's review of college campuses, University students "get called out for thinking they're better than everyone else. Well, if you went to the school in Virginia with the most stringent admissions requirements, best overall athletic program, most beautiful campus and coeds, most successful and famous alumni, the most storied social scene, was founded by Thomas Jefferson, and all that happened to be in what was voted the #1 city to live in America, well you'd think you were [great] too."
So prospective student, don't waste another second. Send in your deposit now and make the best decision of your entire life. Wahoowa!
Abbi's column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at email@example.com.