My resolutions for 2013
Word on the street is it’s 2013. What does that look like? So far, a lot like 2003. Destiny’s Child is back together, Justin Timberlake is putting out a new album and, I swear on Lizzie McGuire, I haven’t seen this many Razor scooters since I crimped my hair. Things are either looking really bad or really good.
In high school, New Year’s Eve was an overhyped, overdressed night where glitter lingered with more tenacity than your health teacher’s favorite sexually transmitted disease. Foolishly, I thought that since I was College Student Extraordinaire, the eve of all eves would finally live up to the buzz. Sadly, it was not the case. Despite all the macho male claims of increased tolerance, the state of the bathrooms the next morning proved that a buzz was something most people never even saw.
Luckily, I came to the realization that, unlike in high school, the new year marked the beginning of a new semester of classes. And with a little more wisdom under my belt, I had the power to turn New Year’s into a positive thing. I realized I could actively decide to change the less perfect aspects of my college life thus far. I realized that by undergoing this process, my spring semester was bound to exceed even my wildest dreams. Unfortunately, it was not until much, much later that I realized I was still covered in glitter. It really is the herpes of arts and crafts.
Feeling creative, I thought I could call these changes “resolutions.” They were as follows.
I resolved to better embody the inquisitive spirit characteristic to institutions of higher learning. After all, though my parents would never say so, I knew they secretly worried about flushing their money down the toilet. I figured I had to find some way to assure them that a) never fear, minimal flushing is occurring in dorms and b) next semester, I would get serious about getting serious. Seriously.
I resolved to get to the bottom of the tough questions first. If one consumes liquor before beer, is he truly in the clear? If one consumes beer before liquor, will he really never have been sicker? Are there actual foxes at Foxfield? Should I be prepared for this? And what exactly is a wahoo? Wikipedia defines it as a “scombrid fish found worldwide in tropical and subtropical seas.” It is also the name of a fish taco restaurant in Lincoln, Neb. Could the Internet suck any more?
I resolved to use my time more wisely. Why rewatch “How I Met Your Mother” on Netflix when I can use my roommate’s HBO Go password? Let me tell you, HBO Go is a gold mine. Shows are only 30 minutes, so you can watch 24 of them and wind up sitting in bed for 11 more hours than you planned without batting an eye. It’s brilliant.
I resolved to be more efficient. Who says you can’t combine learning and leisure? I even have a plan. I’ll keep up with “Girls,” so I can educate myself about how traumatic and depressing my life will be when I’m broke and alone in four years, and “Downton Abbey” so I can feel smart and classy because of the accents even when they’re talking about sex. Flawless.
I resolved to better present myself. I also scheduled no classes on Friday mornings. Mission accomplished. On a side note, I’d like to issue a retroactive apology to anyone who had to see me on Fridays last semester. I know it must have been hard to believe someone who isn’t Lady Gaga can look that bad without makeup. If it makes you feel any better, know that when I looked at myself, I was just as shocked and appalled as you were. But I promise: It was just a weekly anomaly and I did not actually get my hair-styling lessons from Medusa.
I resolved to continue expanding my network of friends, even as I begin to really find where I fit into the University community. Upon close reflection, I realized none of my close friends from first semester have cars, and this simply will not do.
I resolved to eat better. I will do this by not eating at the dining hall. Ever.
I resolved to make 2013 one for the books. I also resolved to not read my books. You can’t have it all.
So bonne chance, everyone, and start enjoying spring semester. And before you do, don’t be afraid to take the time to get your priorities in order. Alphabetically, of course, so that “parties” comes before “studies.”
Julia’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.