Romance tips from my 2008 self
Court aggressively from afar, like a medieval knight or a guy in a 1980s film. At first, your love’s transfer to another middle school will seem tragic. But fear not, this actually enhances your methods of seduction. Use your friend who goes to his school to deliver mix CDs and clues to semi-elaborate games that end in in you asking for his email address.
Attain his email address. As a modern woman of 2008, email is your primary mode of communication, the perfect medium for flirtatious banter and exhibitions of your rapier wit. This wit largely refers to jokes about your English teacher’s bald cat and overt need to be liked. Learn facts about each other that further your courtship (he sleeps in a loft bed too!) Use smiley faces sparingly: you may be thirteen but you are sophisticated enough to sometimes use the metro without your parents. Show your happy-go-lucky side with a fun email address. Need a jump-start on ideas? Here are a few:
- firstname.lastname@example.org – email@example.com – firstname.lastname@example.org – email@example.com
When the object of your affection responds less and less over the semester, this is a challenge to up the ante. Sign off with quotes from movies where a white boy’s life is changed by a free-spirited girl. You are the free spirit.
Be on the same tech crew for your town’s community theater production of Dracula Jr. Use this opportunity to look all hot in the black clothes you have to wear for every dress rehearsal. By the fourth day, your target brand v-neck will cling to your nascent womanly curves from a mixture of sweat, mom’s perfume and that fruit punch you spilled down your front while trying to put your headset on the right way. Your romantic rival will think she has a leg up by playing the sexually promiscuous vampire, but she fails to realize that her nightgown has a weird lace neck ruff that smells like mildew. Jokes on you, Heather, Bram Stoker wrote your character as a metaphor for Victorian society, not as an excuse to wear fake eyelashes. Make a move on the opening night; the lights of the middle school basement are dim, everyone is intoxicated with the thrill of knowing the top reporter for the under-18 theater junket is in the audience, and you are positively drenched in pheromones. Preferably make your move in the form of a hilarious song that incorporates his name and heavily references “The Princess Bride.” Don’t feel discouraged when he doesn’t notice that you are making a move.
Accept defeat with grace when you find out he likes Lauren from your old theater class. Lauren loves horses more than she could love any man, and you are not one to betray the sisterhood over a beautiful boy who sleeps in a loft bed. Make yourself a “Failed Affair #1” mix CD. Convince your mom to let you hold a boy-girl party, and talk up the former object of your affection to Lauren while you play ping-pong. Learn that Lauren is too busy with piano lessons to form any long-term romantic attachments. Make a “Failed Affair #2” mix CD, tell your diary about it and call it a day.
Charlotte Raskovich is a humor columnist for the Cavalier Daily.