Top 10 Lies You’ll Tell About Your Winter Break

Things we may or may not have done the past month, but it’s okay!

1. This tan is natural:
If you’re like me, or any other partially-sane, warm-blooded mammal, you’d probably agree that the cold is stupid and one must avoid such extreme chilliness by fleeing to somewhere where winter as we know it does not exist. Unfortunately, this usually entails a really expensive plane ticket and a lot of ambition — two things that the typical college student doesn’t usually have. Thus, a typical Winter Break consists of a few visits to a tanning bed and a really convincing argument that the sun in Puerto Rico really gets you orange this time of year.

2. I’m ready for rush:
So you’ve posted, stalked and hated on every #whyiamgreek post. You’ve planned out your outfits, crafted a fake-tan argument and attempted to convince your parents that girl-flirting for 12 hours a day is a truly worthwhile experience. But whether a first-year or a fourth-year, a rusher or a rushee, I believe there is absolutely no way to be completely mentally prepared for the insanity that is sorority rush. Seriously, we’re already halfway through and I still don’t think I fully understand what’s going on.

3. I saw so many friends:
Well, if you consider each character of “Scandal” a friend I’d say I managed to even make a few new friends this break. Though it’s embarrassing to admit, I’ll take one for the team and own up to the choice we often find ourselves making: choosing our bed/Netflix instead of our home friends. Let’s be real — it’s hard to rationalize driving to see anyone, especially with the subzero temperatures and snowfall that hit the East Coast while we were home. Just blame your lack of social activity on Jetblue’s flight cancellations. That’s what everyone else was doing.

4. I ate healthily:
Some wise scientist once proved that a little wine and chocolate each day is good for you. And even if said wise scientist had specified how much wine and chocolate was the “healthy” amount, I was too busy running to the kitchen to know it. So as far as I know, a family size bag of M&M’s plus four glasses of wine a day is nutritious, right? Also, I’m of the belief that calories don’t count during the holidays, and a gingerbread cookie (or 12) never hurt anyone. It’s important to take full advantage of your mom’s home cooking while you can, and to never pass up a holiday dessert. They’re seasonal, so stock up while you can.

5. I did something with educational value:
I firmly believe that the term “educational value” was made up by parents and teachers to convince themselves that field trips were more than just a way to pass off responsibility for their children. If by “educational value” you mean testing the limits of how long one can remain in their bed without moving more than 3 inches, then I’d say my break was pretty educational. My friends went to the Met and sent me some snapchats — does that count?

6. I checked my email:
I use the term check extremely loosely, meaning I ignored anything that didn’t have to do with online shopping. Let’s call it a cleanse from learning and a full-on embracing of the holiday shopping deals. First comes Black Friday, then comes the Procrastinator’s Christmas Sales, then the After Christmas Sales, then the New Year’s Sales and then you’re overwhelmed by deals and about $1,000 poorer. Blink and you’ll miss them — there’s no time to be paying attention to educational emails. The syllabus and pre-class reading can wait.

*7. I made New Year’s resolutions that I’ll keep:
New year, new me, am I right? I decided this year to keep my New Year’s resolutions totally realistic: Instagram less, stop eating while inebriated and watch one Netflix episode at a time. Though I may have substituted relevant or life-advancing resolutions for ones that won’t do much for me, at least I have a better chance of actually doing them. We all know the Aquatics and Fitness Center is a social scene more than a gym anyway, so I’m probably doing myself good by not even bothering to show up.

8. I exercised:
According to my mother, I ran my mouth quite a bit this break. But, that’s about all I can say for my doing any semblance of exercise. Alternatively though, this lie could potentially be true depending on how you define the term exercise. For example: I exercised my right to not leave my bed for hours at a time. Or, I exercised my freedom of speech by yelling down to my brothers to bring me some hot chocolate. I did not, in fact, exercise in the sense of running or other cardiovascular activity. Similar to “their, they’re and there,” no one can tell what you mean by “exercise” when you say it out loud. The English language rocks.

9. I caught up on sleep:
While I impressively slept until about noon everyday, this does not mean that I didn’t stay up until 4 a.m. the night before doing absolutely useless things on the Internet. You all know the drill: one Pinterest board leads to another and soon you’re convinced you’ll wake up in the morning with the cooking capabilities of Betty Crocker and the motivation of a contestant on Cupcake Wars. Soon you realize you’re too tired to actually do anything you planned the night before, and the cycle repeats.

10. I didn’t miss school:
Sure, there’s something to be said about a mother’s home cooking and some alone time with your dog. But, between having to tell every single person I speak to that I’m not a sophomore (I’m a second-year!) and that a well-timed cheeseburger with a fried egg on top can in fact change your life, it’s hard not to miss the people who embrace these things with pride. U.Va. is the best place on Earth, and no amount of time in your childhood bed can change that. I love my friends and family to death, but nothing makes me happier than watching people fall down the stairs at Trinity circa 2 a.m. or walking past Bodo’s when it’s dark out and realizing it’s still open.

Published January 12, 2014 in Life

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