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Entitled students can’t comprehend Sweet Sixteen loss

Wahoos wonder why Daddy couldn’t buy Elite Eight slot

On Friday night at Madison Square Garden, the scene was dismal when the final buzzer sounded, sending the Michigan State Spartans to the Elite Eight and ending the Cavaliers’ memorable season.

Back in Charlottesville, University students watched in disbelief as, for the first time in their lives, something didn’t go their way. Distraught, students grappled with this new sensation and tried to make sense of such an unforeseen tragedy.

“This must be, like, what those starving orphans in Africa have to go through,” first-year Nursing student and self-proclaimed “number one fan” Matilda Moneysworth said.

While Moneysworth couldn’t actually name a single player on the team, her woes are still symbolic of the magnitude of the travesty facing the University.

Since the consensus agreed the loss was “not our fault,” students grappled with the inexplicability of the night’s turn of events. Common methods of coping with this unexpected twist of fate included a combination of blaming the officiating, reminding Michigan State students they will one day work for University graduates and drowning one’s sorrows at various alcohol vending establishments on the Corner.

While some fans returned to their homes for hours of silent reflection and mourning, others took to the streets. With a bottle of lighter fluid in hand, second-year College student Yates M. Rutherford V explained his frustration.

“No one in the world has it worse than me right now,” Rutherford said. “First I get deferred from the Comm School, then my I.D. gets creased at Trinity and now the Hoos can’t even win a close a ball game. I blame it on the ESPN analysts and the democrats. Thanks Obama”.

University President Teresa Sullivan also expressed her disappointment at the loss. In a recent statement to the student body, Sullivan urged students to handle the loss in a “mature and honorable fashion.” Such was the scene on 14th Street as cool-headed students burnt couches and attempted to start a riot in protest of the unfair proceedings of the game.

Looking past basketball, the question of how this loss will prove to be detrimental to the futures of University students still stands.

Linus Caruthers, first-year Medicine student, said, “What worries me the most is that a good-looking guy like Joe Harris can have bad things happen to him. I’m sitting here, about to be the best-looking doctor in the country, and I’ve just learned my whole world could potentially come crashing down. Things like these, they remind you of the world’s fragility, you know?”

CAPS has issued a statement announcing open walk-in hours available to all students who wish to seek counsel in light of these traumatic events.

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