The community of trust is in dire straights. Honor reporting rates are at 4 percent. Lawnies feel the need to chain up their rocking chairs. Fraternities have had to dedicate a whole day to anonymously returning stolen stuff. Clearly, this is not the vision Thomas Jefferson had for his great university.
The Honor Committee has attempted to restore faith in the community of trust with their umbrella campaign — leaving umbrellas in libraries for people to use and then bring back later. They have also explored the idea of non-proctored exams as a way to increase reporting rates. These initiatives, however, are insufficient.
We propose that in order to restore the ideal of the community of trust, all students must be required to leave personal valuables unattended in public places for a period of no less than 17 minutes, at least three times a week. Violators of this policy will be brought up on charges with the Honor Committee.
“Why 17 minutes?” you may ask. Because 17 was Thomas Jefferson’s favorite number…duh. “Why three times a week?” Because everyone knows that until you do something three times it doesn’t really count — streaking the Lawn, making out with a hotdog, etc.
Valuables left unattended must be worth a minimum of 200 dollars. Abandoning your old flip phone in hopes someone steals it so mommy and daddy will finally buy you that shiny new iPhone does not count (though probably no one wants to steal your flip phone anyway). Wallets containing less than 200 dollars in cash must contain at least one debit/credit card, to compensate for the lack of value with an increase in the chances of identity theft.
When all their stuff is at risk of being stolen at least three times a week, students will have much more incentive to report other students stealing other people’s stuff — because of course, the rules would also stipulate a student must completely vacate the premises in order for their possessions to qualify as “unattended.” Leaving your computer on a table in Clark Library and then hiding behind a bookshelf to watch it until your 17 minutes are up will qualify as a violation of the Honor system under these new regulations. Keeping watch on other people’s unattended stuff, however, is most definitely encouraged.
We realize that some may criticize this proposal because it only addresses the problem of stealing, not lying and cheating. But what did you expect from us? Do we have to think of everything ourselves? Listen, we don’t have all the answers. Would it be too much to ask for someone else to step up to the plate once in a while? We gave you a good idea. So what if it’s got two glaring holes in the argument? If anyone else would like to make a suggestion, we’re listening.
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