I am currently taking a course called "Sociology of the Family," in which we discuss how people’s views of marriage have evolved through the years.
There are many complicated elements to this discussion, but something I find particularly interesting is how we have increasingly moved toward the “soul mate” model of marriage, in which we all expect to be madly in love with the person we are marrying. In the past, unions were based more on what made sense economically, or what the couple’s families wanted.
I’m guessing that to most people — myself included — the way we view marriage today is vastly more appealing. I am reminded of the scene in the movie “Holes” when two men want to marry the same woman, so they compete to bring her father the heaviest pig. I wouldn’t want my marriage to be based on the weight of a pig.
Yet being the English major and word aficionado that I am, this sociological discussion compelled me to move to analyze the word “love.”
Love, as in this sentence, can be used as a noun — a singular thing which exists for people to move into or out of, to use as they please.
Imagine a swimming pool in which some people wade in slowly, inching down one step at a time, furiously grasping the hand-rail during their descent. Others go straight for the high-dive, ready to take the plunge into the depths of complicated emotion. However they enter, they ultimately find themselves in this pool of love, enjoying the refreshing sensation.
Love, however, is also a verb. In this sense, it cannot be splashed upon you, and you cannot dive into it. It is an action. This, I think, is the type of love which is most compelling — the type of love which brings the most heartwarming images into my head.
To love is to put someone else’s needs before your own. It is my mom always allowing my dad to put the Christmas lights on our tree, even though she knows there will inevitably be patches of green left uncovered. It is my dad spending an entire family dinner asking my grandpa about his childhood, because it is the only thing he can still remember. It is my boyfriend taking me to swing dancing lessons for my birthday even though he doesn’t like to dance — just because he knows I do.
After pondering these different uses of the word “love,” I came to realize that maybe the “soul mate” model of love isn’t as desirable as I originally thought. If we are only focusing on our own state of emotions — our own location inside of the swimming pool — we aren’t fully connected to the person we are in the pool with. Yes, being in love is great, but if we don’t channel that stomach full of butterflies into actions, what is really the point?
In order to live in the best world possible, we must both love and have love. That way, if the water in the pool becomes slightly chilly or there is an unexpected thunderstorm which forces everyone to exit, we will still have each other to wrap towels around our shoulders.
Kelly’s column runs biweekly Tuesdays. She can be reached at k.seegers@cavalierdaily.com.
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