1. Tony Bennett
One day last spring, I was borderline hangry,* and driving a little too aggressively as I pulled into the Harris Teeter parking lot. Desperate for anything edible to stuff in my face, I was overjoyed to find a parking spot close to the door. As I turned my wheel to pull in, a pedestrian ran out in front of me. I was not thrilled and considered showing said pedestrian a choice finger that was definitely not my thumb. Upon closer scrutiny, this pedestrian ended up being Tony Bennett — a man I would never purposefully flip off. I didn’t, and he narrowly missed the hood of my car — you’re all welcome for that. Long story short, Bennett was last year’s ACC Men’s Basketball Coach of the Year — he’s a great coach and he has an easier name to pronounce than Krzyzewski.
*That’s hungry and angry, for the uninitiated.
2. A good defense
The best offense is a good defense, the best defense is a good offense and the best slice at Christian’s is avocado feta. These are basic facts you’ve probably been told since you were young, but all undoubtedly apply to our future champion Wahoos. Did you know we’re the best scoring defense in the NCAA? Not to be confused with best looking defense — which arguably also applies — this means that we’ve held opponents to the lowest scoring percentage in the nation. As in the only slam dunk our opponents are ever going to get is a well placed Oreo into a glass of milk.
3. Joe Harris
It’s against principle to write something about our basketball team and fail to mention Joe Harris. Our former stand-out shooting guard is missed not only for his good looks, but for his leadership on the court as well. Luckily, Harris passed on his mentoring skills and knowledge to our current third and fourth years, who have done a great job helping the underclassmen fit right in. And Joe, if you’re reading this, I swiped right for you on Tinder my first year and am still waiting for a response.
4. JPJ
There’s no better place than John Paul Jones Arena for a basketball game. I’ll be honest: until last year, I had no idea that JPA and JPJ were two different things. After 10 misguided trips on the U.Va. bus system and cursing out the U.Va. bus app several times, I finally figured out there was a difference between the two. JPA — a must-visit for those who love traffic lights and stop-and-go traffic. JPJ — a must-visit for those who love lights out defense and killer stop-and-go pump fakes.
5. Justin Anderson’s beard
To quote Kyle Bailey, known as @TheClubhouseKB on Twitter, “Does Justin Anderson have a gray chin beard? #UVA.” No replies, no favorites and a little Facebook stalking later has led me to believe that Anderson does not in fact have a gray chin beard. Rather, a blonde-ish one that’s definitely intimidating and must be a contributing factor to our undefeated season.
6. We’re undefeated
Speaking of being undefeated … we haven’t lost a game. We’ve beaten ranked teams, unranked teams, Virginia Tech and teams that were ranked higher than us who no longer are (looking at you this weekend, Duke.) We’re one of two undefeated teams in the country, and have played well against every team we’ve faced.
7. The Hoo Crew
Our coach has won awards, our team has won awards and our student section has won awards. Quite literally, all we do is win. Hoo wouldn’t want to be a part of the Naismith Student Section of the year, a group of debatably insane students who paint their bodies and sport giant cardboard heads of Teresa Sullivan.
8. Our stamina
I’ve never seen a basketball player riding a scooter, which almost definitely means they walk all the way to JPJ from Grounds whenever they have practice. Imagine doing that every day and you could probably be on the team, too. All kidding aside, our team has been known to stay quick and powerful for the entirety of games, wearing down opponents as the U.S. hockey team did to the Soviets in “Miracle.” We’re great through the last second of the game, nailing shots with precision and accuracy as if the game had just begun.
9. Our depth
With a different starting lineup almost every game, our team has many strong players. If London Perrantes, Malcolm Brogdon and Justin Anderson were all trapped in Carruthers Hall due to a suspicious package, we’d still be able to run rings around our opponents with the players we have left. Our players are skilled and work well on the court together, whether a new freshman or an experienced senior. It’s our cohesiveness and depth that have made us No. 1 in the ACC.
10. ESPN thinks so
Speaking of No. 1 in the ACC, we play Duke this Saturday. ESPN’s GameDay is coming in honor of our impending win and setting up shop in JPJ that morning. ESPN historically only picks great teams to host GameDay, so it’s a testament to how great we are. Come one, come all and come with your best posters to show the rest of the nation how we do it down in Charlottesville. If you’re looking for some sign of inspiration, check out the “Phony Bennett” Twitter — my personal favorite is, “Our D needs no introduction/ Your D don’t even function.”
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