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Top 10 stages of studying for midterms

1. Bliss

It’s only 12! I got to first floor Clemons so early there are even open seats near outlets. Look how proactive I am! I am the model of dedication to my studies. My mom would be so proud of me. Thomas Jefferson would be so proud of me. Honestly, he probably founded this school to attract students like me. Let me just send a quick Snapchat to my friends to show them how impressive this is. Wow, Buzzfeed is so interesting. It’s only 12 — I have time!

2. Camaraderie

Okay, my friends are here. Ugh, they took so long to get here! At least I can stop posting Buzzfeed articles on their walls and now just whisper-poke them to show them in real life while trying to stifle laughter. Am I being loud? I think everyone around me hates me. First floor means I can whisper, right? Wow, everything my friends are saying is so funny I can’t stop laughing. They’re in my class — if they’re not studying right now, I don’t feel so badly. We’ll all fail and the curve will be great. To everyone else in our class: you’re welcome.

3. Denial

Well, 2 p.m. isn’t so bad. I haven’t actually been here for that long. Look, I even opened up all my readings on Collab and made a to-do list. My highlighter is out of my backpack and on the table. That’s progress! Real, tangible progress. I don’t have anything to worry about. I got into U.Va. which means I’m smart. Honestly, I doubt anyone else has done anything to prepare either. I was told this class was easy anyway. I don’t need to panic.

4. Panic

Oh my GOD, it’s already 4? How did this happen? Why do bad things happen to good people? I’m going to fail. I’m really going to fail. Forty percent of my grade is a big deal. I didn’t even do that well on the quiz last week. I should’ve studied more for that. I already know I’m going to fail the final and that’s probably 75 percent of my grade. Why did I get into U.Va.? I hope everyone else is doing the same thing I am. They probably aren’t. There needs to be more hours in the day.

5. Bargaining

I can wake up early tomorrow and get two more hours in of studying. You know what? I just won’t even go to bed. Dunkin Donuts is open 24/7 so they can deliver me coffee. Maybe I’ll even get them to waive the delivery fee and get free donuts or something. Okay, after I spend five minutes thinking about these donuts I’ll get back to studying. This can be my break. You know what would be a good use of my time? I’ll calculate the lowest score I can get on this midterm to still have a B in the class if I get an 86 percent or higher on the final. That’s doable. I promise I’ll study more for that test.

6. Passive-Aggression

Mom, there is seriously no need for you to be calling me right now. Yeah, I love you, I love you, whatever. Oh, did you just say you were going to send me a care package? That’s so nice of you! You’re the best mom in the world. Mom of the year, even. Hold on Mom, someone is tapping his pencil next to me. It’s super annoying. Maybe if I throw this kid some serious shade he’ll stop. This isn’t working. I’m never going to get anything done with this tapping. Are you kidding me? Can’t you tell by my face and the fact that I’ve been glaring at you for ten minutes that you just NEED to stop?

7. Hanger

In addition to being pissed off, I’m getting hungry. Maybe I’ll just go on OrderUp. They can deliver me anything — they’re magical. Wow, I’m so hungry that I can’t even think. Two plus two equals chicken nuggets, and I think my fingers are turning into French fries. When was the last time I ate? I don’t even remember. It’s more than just hunger now; I think I’m angry. Being hangry is a seriously debilitating condition.

8. Rage

This sandwich isn’t cooked right. How do you mess up a sandwich? It should have been here hours ago. Why can’t sandwiches take tests? Speaking of tests, why does this one cover so much information? There are five units to go over- that’s almost 400 pages of reading. I’m mad at my professor for assigning so much. Who does he think we are? We’re just college students. We have lives outside this class. I have Tuesdays to go out on. How could we possibly keep up with the reading when it was so boring anyway?

9. Remorse

I should’ve started studying when I got here at noon. Then I could’ve avoided this rollercoaster of emotion. I feel badly for myself. I said it once, and I’ll say it again: why do bad things happen to good people? A wise 13-year-old boy once got the phrase, “no ragrets” tattooed onto his chest. I am the antithesis of that. I have a lot of “ragrets” right now. I have committed a huge wrong and there’s no time left to right it. I will fail this test.

10. Acceptance

I did this to myself. Let’s weigh my options. I can a) cry a lot and admit defeat; b) walk home and try to get work done in my house; or c) set small goals and accomplish as much as I can before my eyes shut for good. Realistically, option A is inevitable. Option B is like water in the desert — a mirage of hopes and dreams quickly shattered by reality. Option C seems doable. I can do this. It’s 2 in the morning but there is hope. At 2:05, I’ll get off Facebook.

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