Incoming Student Council President Abe Axler stages coup against Sullivan

University president exiled to Blacksburg in apparent power grab

Taking the concept of student self-governance to new heights, Student Council President-elect Abe Axler usurped University President Teresa Sullivan Monday, placing the entire University under his control.

After a tumultuous semester defined by student dissent with the current administration, Axler took matters into his own hands and fulfilled his long vacant ambitions by orchestrating the coup. Other participants include fellow student leaders, such as recently-elected Honor Chair Faith Lyons and former Honor Chair Nick Hine, as well as Board of Visitors member Helen Dragas.

In a battle of ad-hoc group militias — Rotunda column cannons and squirrel slave armies — Axler successfully took Carr’s Hill, where he gave his victory speech.

“Strong leadership is important for the University right now,” Axler said. “I hope this decision will help promote student self-governance, and the Student Council will be hosting a forum later this week to mediate a conversation.”

Axler, who spent his spring break at the bedside of ageing Cuban leader Fidel Castro, said the only way the University could overcome its recent troubles was through his unhinged guidance.

“As my mentor El Jefe once told me, ‘A revolution is a struggle to the death between the future and the past,’” Axler said. “And I am the future.”

While the coup was non-violent, Axler has insisted Sullivan be exiled to Blacksburg until further notice. As Sullivan was carried away in the back of a Safe Ride van, she quickly gasped, “Take care of your Mama Terry.”

Sullivan had requested negotiations for a power sharing deal, but Axler refused, explaining absolute rule was necessary in a situation as dire as the one “the University is currently in.”

“I am the State,” he said. “There is no room for negotiation at this time.”

Axler claims the coup was not uncalled for, citing his survey conducted on the student body through SIS. Emily Lodge, the newly appointed Carr’s Hill spokesperson, said all changes to the University will come on a rolling basis.

“University functions will continue as normal while cabinet and department positions are appointed,” Lodge said. “Our dear leader will give his State of the Grounds speech from the Rotunda scaffolding within the next month.”

Prominent past student leaders — including Honor Committee member and Vice Chair for Investigations Henley Hopkinson and former 2013-14 Student Council President Eric McDaniel — gave no indication of objecting to the new leadership.

“Our support in 2012 was her first and last chance,” McDaniel said. “TSully’s on her own with this one.”

Standing on the Carr’s Hill balcony overlooking thousands of students, Axler expressed his thanks to those who supported him during the revolt.

“Hello friends, I have to say that I'm overwhelmed and beyond grateful for the incredible help and support I've received over the past weeks,” Axler said. “I want to congratulate everyone for a coup well run. I'm excited to get to work. Your friend, Abe.”

Axler also announced he will be annexing Sweet Briar College.

Dragas expressed excitement over the success of the coup, giddy at Sullivan’s apparent fall from grace.

“Fuck yes,” she said.

Mike London contributed to reporting.

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