IFC elects first all-female executive board in emergency session

"We panicked!"

The Inter-Fraternity Council held an emergency election Tuesday after its Executive Board fell into a mass hysteria following the public’s disillusionment with the general mismanagement of fraternity life at the University.

The entire Executive Board was replaced during the emergency session.

The new board will consist of six women. Emily Renda will take over as IFC president, effective immediately, while Sara Surface was selected as the vice president of judiciary and Ashley Brown was selected as the vice president of administration. Three first-year College women, chosen at random, will fill the remaining positions.

Now-outgoing IFC President Ben Gorman said the decision to hold the “snap election” — as it has come to be called — was made quickly following widespread panic and hysterics.

“We panicked!” he said. “But I have no ragrets [sic].”

The committee chairmen were not candidates for re-election, and did not even attend the session, but have communicated an overwhelming willingness to comply with every whim of the new Executive Board.

“We understand the Executive Board’s decision to hold the snap election, and as a group we feel that the incoming Executive Board will handle the IFC’s affairs in a more rational way,” a statement from the committee chairmen read.

Renda will begin reforms with an initiative to decrease the presence of Vineyard Vines at fraternity houses across Grounds, as well as reduce the amount of seersucker in the spring and the general plastering of flags, American or otherwise, everywhere.

“It’s about time,” Renda said. “Women, especially first-year women, have been underrepresented in this field for far too long. It’s nice to see some female student representation in a historically male-dominated group.”

Tommy Reid, former IFC president before Gorman, was shocked at the inability of his successors to handle what he deemed a minor crisis.

“In my time, being on the IFC Executive Board meant leadership, authority and dignity,” Reid said. “It did not mean panicking in the face of crises. I hope the incoming Executive Board has more balls than my disappointing successors.”

Newly-elected Student Council President Abe Axler also spoke on the decision.

“Strong leadership is important for the University right now,” Axler said. “I hope this decision will help promote student self-governance. Student Council will be hosting a forum later this week to mediate a conversation.”

Dean of Students Allen Groves expressed overwhelming support for the change, and hi-fived each new member of the Executive Board. He retracted hi-fives from Gorman and other now-former members of the Executive Board to express his disappointment in them.

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