Sullivan conducts annual meeting with squirrels

Squeaking the way to better Grounds

In her annual meeting with the squirrels, President Sullivan discussed many of the issues facing the University community, seeking input from the community’s rodents. Discussions ranged from construction on the Lawn to student tuition and the renewal of her contract.

Following the formal start to the discussion, in which the Association of University Squirrels presented Sullivan with their traditional golden acorn, Sullivan debriefed the group on recent happenings on Grounds — including recent media scandals — before thanking the squirrels for the support they have given.

“This has been a very difficult time for every member of our community,” Sullivan said. “You being by our side all the way through has meant the world to me. We only hope we can be there for you as well.”

The squirrels seemed deeply moved. Extended screeching followed.

“However, before we get to any issues you wish to draw attention to, I’d like to address some concerns which you have voiced recently against administrative action,” Sullivan said. “I understand that you are particularly concerned about tuition hikes and that fewer and less diverse students will attend the University…”

Sullivan was here interrupted by squeaking. Last Thursday, a horde of squirrels broke into the Board of Visitors meeting, where many acorns were thrown and Finance Committee chair John Griffin was taken captive. Ransom has been set at his net worth, roughly three billion acorns.

Sullivan, however, regained control of the meeting, and explained to the squirrels that they were not in a position where they would understand the proposed changes.

“I’m here to tell you that won’t happen,” Sullivan said. “We have years of data, research and consulting behind us. While I agree that you should have played more of a part in the discussion leading up to the agreed changes, I believe it’s fair to say that you don’t have a tremendous understanding of the situation and that you rushed to conclusions.”

Fourth-year College student Meg Gould, the outgoing student BOV representative, could be heard cheering from her Lawn room.

Squeaking again ensued, but of a more passive nature. Ultimately, however, it was decided that Griffin would not be released for a ransom. However, the squirrels said they would consider a trade for Helen Dragas.

After a long pause, Sullivan said she felt she could not immediately respond to that offer, and proposed they move on. She asked the squirrels if there was anything in their community which the University administration needed to be aware of or that the administration might help out with.

Many noises occurred in the squirrel camp, but it seemed to mostly be chippering.

After a few minutes they said there was a lack of familial leadership in the squirrel population, but saw in a recent Fortune article that Sullivan is sometimes referred to as Mama Terry. They respectively requested that she legally change her name to reflect said nickname, sharing their vision for what they thought would consequently be a much friendlier environment. Mama Terry consented.

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