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​The Trump of my dreams

Let me paint you a picture. I wake one morning, stretching my arms and yawning as I stand to allow my perfectly coiffed hair to fall around my shoulders. Birds are chirping. The sun is shining. Cyndi Lauper’s “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” hums in the background. I do, Cyndi. I do just want to have fun. And I’m having a pretty good time until I get online only to discover that Donald Trump has made another ignorant, awful remark. I slam the computer shut. Why, Trump, why?!? I scurry back to my bed, pulling the covers over my head and shutting my eyes tight. If only I could fall back asleep. If only I could float back to the Trump of my dreams.

Donald Trump is a bad person. Or is he a good person, simply lost in the wrong role? No, I’m kidding. He’s the worst. But he’s also in the wrong role. Consider one of those fairytales with a fire-breathing dragon. It’s all well and good for the kingdom if the dragon is off in a cave somewhere, doing his fire-breathing dragon thing. In fact, it’s great. Every story needs a villain, and then all the knights can be like, “Yeah, we’ve got a dragon. It breathes fire. Pretty badass.” But suppose the dragon leaves the cave and starts campaigning to rule the kingdom. Congratulations, Knights of the Dumbass Table. There’s a dragon running around your kingdom breathing fire and insulting the entire population of Mexico. I’m not saying Donald Trump is a fire-breathing dragon. If we were going to compare him to anything in the magical realm, he most resembles a goblin. But I digress.

In my dreams, Donald never leaves Trump Tower. He sits on a throne on the top floor looking out over New York City, which he thinks is his kingdom because the man is straight bonkers. Mothers walk a little faster when they pass the Tower, warning their children never to go in there, lest they meet their doom. But of course some rascals wander off from the schoolyard that day and sneak into the tower. They find Donald on his throne, stroking his toupee. “Get off my lawn, damn kids, before I call Megyn Kelly and say something offensive!” Silly Donald. You can’t offend Megyn Kelly. Megyn Kelly is almost definitely a robot.

In my dreams, Donald is a lonely old man in a trailer park who went viral on YouTube after being interviewed on the local news. We all gather around our computers, giggling gleefully as his autotuned racial slurs play over and over. Oh, crazy racist man! You get us every time!

In my dreams, Donald has an hour-long talk show on cable. It’s called, “Ya Fired!” and it is an entire hour of Donald Trump holding up pictures of things he doesn’t like (i.e., everything) and yelling, “Ya fired!” in the way only he can. Sometimes rage consumes him and he just screams. The show gets phenomenal ratings, all our eyes glued to the screen. We don’t understand it, but by God we love it.

In reality, Donald is running for president. News anchors are discussing him like he’s a real human being. His words are broadcasted every day as if they are words that actually mean something. He is essentially a four-year-old who got off his leash (do people still put their kids on leashes?) and started throwing a multibillion-dollar temper tantrum. Nobody knows where his parents went so we’re all just standing around nervously hoping he’ll tire himself out soon. Shh, angry man, lay your little bald head down on your expensive pillows and dream sweetly of building hotels atop the souls of the innocent. Oh, dear God! He’s up again! Don’t look now — he’s insulting the veterans!

And so here I’ll stay, safe in the comfort of my bed, watching Law & Order reruns and admiring my own reflection in the front facing camera of my phone. Soon I’ll fall asleep again, off to visit the Trump of my dreams. Wake me up when the scary man is gone.

Nora Walls is a Humor writer.

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