I know it sounds contradictory — how can someone who identifies as an introvert simultaneously be … outgoing? The answer is actually pretty simple.
The main difference between extroverts and introverts is the way they expend and acquire energy. Extroverts recharge by interacting with groups of people, whereas introverts recharge by spending time alone. Because of this discrepancy, it is commonly assumed that extroverts are “social butterflies” and that they are generally more outgoing and personable. Introverts tend to be categorized as the “shy girls” or the “timid guys” because they prefer not to be social for as long as extroverts.
While these general conceptions of extroversion and introversion hold up occasionally, it is important to realize these stereotypes of introverts being “shy” are not the rule. There are plenty of introverts, including myself, who exhibit traits people generally associate with extroversion. I love going to parties with friends, I enjoy getting lunch with large groups of people and I genuinely like speaking with strangers — I just can’t do all of these things very frequently. Even though I enjoy being social, it takes a lot of energy for me to build up my ability to be outgoing, and then that energy is exhausted rather quickly.
A friend of mine once described an introvert’s energy as a metaphorical jar full of marbles. Whenever introverts interact with people, we take a marble out of the jar and give it to the person we’re with. If we’re communicating with larger groups of people, we give away more marbles than we would with one-on-one interactions. Once the jar of marbles is empty — when our energy supply is low or depleted — we physically cannot give anything more. To refill and recharge, introverts need to spend some time by themselves.
Introverts give their energy to the people they come into contact with, unlike extroverts, who collect the energy of others. Because introverts are doling out parcels of a fixed amount of energy, we need to be selective about how we spend that energy and who is receiving it.
Being an introvert in college can be especially stressful. During my first few months at U.Va., I remember feeling extremely anxious before every weekend. The thought of coordinating plans with large groups of people and hopping from party to party on a Friday night made me exhausted before I even left my dorm room. I wished it were more socially acceptable to have “High School Musical” marathons every weekend with the few people I had gotten to know well. When I was trying to find solid groups of friends, sometimes I had to stretch myself a little too thin, depleting my jar of marbles faster than I ever had before, and it took a toll on my overall happiness.
I figured once I found larger groups of people I genuinely enjoyed being around, I would finally be more spontaneous and I would actually draw energy from interacting with others. I would not make up excuses for why I was missing out on things anymore. I would actually want to be social and involved all the time. I thought I would become an extrovert and everything would be easier. As you’ve probably guessed, none of that happened.
It took me a long time to accept the fact that I do not have the disposition to be a consistently outgoing college student. It took me even longer to realize this is okay. I’ve been lucky to find several groups and clubs where I feel genuinely at home, and I look forward to the time I spend with friends in these organizations.
Even though I do love spending time with these people, I still have to draw away once in a while. This can be hard because I truly don’t want to miss out on meaningful and fun moments, and I hope people don’t think I’m avoiding their company. It’s an inevitable reality for me that I need to rebuild my energy so I can give it to the people and the events that are most important to me.
I can still be the person who lets loose and dances on the table, even if I’m not that person every night of the week. I can still enjoy having conversations with every person in the room, but I may not be able to do so all night. I’ve learned that taking alone time to recharge doesn’t make me quiet or shy — it’s just part of being an outgoing introvert.
Mimi’s column runs biweekly Fridays. She can be reached at m.robinson@cavalierdaily.com.
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