I know what you all must be thinking. “Wow, Patrick really seems different ever since his friend let him write an incredibly niche humor piece for his school newspaper.” Well, now that I have been welcomed into the elite group of individuals known as “published writers,” I am different. I’m better. Better than I was before? Certainly. Better than you are now? Of course. I am a published goddamn writer. Do you know what that means? It means I gave the gift of words to the pleading masses, and they ate it up like a bunch of babies desperately seeking a teet. Now someone might say that that last sentence mixed some metaphors, but to that I say: f*** off, I’m the published writer. Oh what’s that? You have an engineering degree? Go build someone who cares. Now that I’m a published writer, I had a few ideas on how you could better show me the respect I deserve.
First off, don’t ask me to introduce you to any of my cool new published writer friends. They are too busy being published and talking about it to meet you, let alone listen to any unpublished words you might have to say.
Second, don’t ask me about my process. Would you ask David Sedaris or Mark Twain how they came up with their writing? No, because one lives in England and the other is dead. Please give me that same distance and respect.
Third, don’t ask to read any of my currently unpublished works. This is not like an episode of “MTV Cribs” where you get to see how resplendently my fridge is stocked. Plus I don’t trust you not to steal my work, as everything I write is surely worth stealing for yourself. And if I need a set of eyes on a piece I am working on, I will just ask one of my equally published writer friends, who is certainly more published than you might be.
Fourth, don’t ask me to read something you’ve written. Oh, you just had this stroke of inspiration one night and want to find out whether I think what you’ve got so far has potential? TOO BAD. You are not a published writer, so it probably sucks anyway. Everything I’ve ever written has already been good, it just hasn’t all been published because to give someone that much greatness all at once would most likely be like staring at the Ark of the Covenant and their face would melt off in the majesty of it all.
Fifth, don’t think that just because you know me you get to use my newfound published writer influence to help yourself. Only published writers can use each other’s influence to help further their own careers.
Sixth, don’t address me simply as Patrick anymore. In fact, don’t address me at all. Don’t look at me. When I walk by, give me a three foot bubble of space and turn to whomever is closest to you and whisper, “Do you know who that is? That’s published writer Patrick Thedinga. He’s a published writer.” That’s how you should address me from now on.
Seventh, on every Sunday night, you must go out and read out loud all of my published works to strangers, so that the unwashed, unpublished masses may know my work and rejoice in my name. Go forth in my name and bestow these poor insolent souls why they must respect me, and fear me, and love me.
These are just a few simple requests that I assume will be handled swiftly and with great care. Just because I may still look the same and walk the same and talk the same as before does not mean I am the same as before. I’m better now. “Patrick Thedinga is a Humor writer for The Cavalier Daily?” You’re damn right he is. So act accordingly.
Patrick Thedinga is Humor writer.
Read More
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | 18 hours agoMy dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | 6 days agoThis week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
Launching My Career as a Background Extra at U.Va.
By Sneha Uppal | April 2, 2024You may be wondering why I always played an almost invisible background character. But, you see, it turns out I had been training for a role I had set my eyes on for my whole life.
