1. I just ate:
This applies to almost anything: your friend asking you to go to the gym (didn’t her mom teach her not to go swimming before waiting 30 minutes after eating?), going out (I have a food baby so none of my clothes fit right now) or going to dinner (well, duh). However, this one is hard to rationalize when you’re trying to skip a meeting or class — unless you’re so full you can’t walk. In that case, make an urgent appointment with your bed. You deserve a nap.
2. I have a fever:
The first rule of making an excuse is committing to your excuse. You have a fever, you say? Stand in front of a heat lamp for about five minutes, find a thermometer and take your temperature. Snapchat said thermometer reading to everyone in your contacts — or better yet, make it your story. Just like that, you’re sick — Mean Girls style. My advice? Don’t leave your house. But, if you do, fake a limp or something. What did I say about committing?
3. I got called into work:
This applies to everything except going to work, unless your endgame is “Inception” and your boss is particularly gullible or susceptible to mind games. Pro: if you work at a restaurant like I do, you have at least six hours to ignore texts you don’t feel like answering because “you got slammed and couldn’t look at your phone.” Con: if you work at a restaurant like I do, you have at least six hours to remain out of sight or risk being outed for not really being at work.
4. I’m at the gym:
In the words of Big Sean: there’s a million trillion things that I’d rather fluffing do. These things include, but are not limited to, pullups, pushups, extended movement on the elliptical, walking uphill on the treadmill, the stairmaster next to an inexplicably old person, the bike next to one of your TAs from first year or the rowing machine next to your very recent ex. For full commitment, remember to tell everyone in earshot how sore you are but how #worthit it was to workout yesterday.
5. I’m out of town:
This is a risky excuse due to the extreme level of DL it requires. But, technically, out of town could mean Crozet because that is out of Charlottesville. From experience, if you’re using this excuse you’re either a). avoiding some sort of mandatory Greek activity or b). dealing with a specific person whom you really, really, really don’t like. Don’t be afraid to use your hiding time wisely — I hear the weather in Myrtle Beach is great this time of year. Why not get a jumpstart on Beach Week?
6. I’m in class:
Note: not to be used on weekends, federal holidays except Labor Day — still unclear as to why we have school on this day — or to get out of a different class. If someone tries to question you with, “But we hung out this time last week!” give them the quick, “I’ve skipped this class so many times this semester; I should probably go because I have a midterm next week” guilt trip. See below for how to elaborate on this.
7. I have like three midterms tomorrow:
Do you have like three midterms? Or do you actually have three midterms? Either way, no one is going to question you in your obvious state of distress due to the immense academic demands you’re currently battling. School is for schoolwork, and how dare they forget that education is your main priority. Is your friend trying to get you to go with her to a pregame at which you know you’ll get left alone within 10 minutes because she’ll find the boy she’s interested in? Dig deep and find that inner bookworm.
8. I have an interview:
This appears like you have your life together while hiding the fact that you’re avoiding some sort of responsibility. Impress professors who thought you were going nowhere because you’ve missed so many of their classes! Punk your boss into giving you a raise because they think you’re going elsewhere! Convince yourself you have marketable skills! Just be sure to wear business casual the whole day in case anybody you’ve told sees you. Remember the first rule of excuse-making — commitment is key.
9. I already told ___ I’d do ___ with them:
First, make sure ___ isn’t also being bullied into whatever you’re trying to get out of. Second, make sure ___ isn’t the next person in line to be bullied into said avoidable activity. Third, if the first two are true, make sure ___ is in on your excuse. You don’t want to go through the trouble of throwing someone under the bus if they’re going to potentially blow your cover. For extra points, post an Instagram of you and ___ doing whatever activity you made up. Go big or go home, right?
10. No:
Easy, breezy, no-nonsense and to the point. This one’s for those who are daring, unafraid or who just don’t want to end up alone in Trinity at 1:30 in the morning again. An empathetic tone is not required: be sorry or be sorry you’re not sorry. Or don’t be sorry you’re not sorry. Often, the best excuse is no excuse, so enjoy your sweet, sweet freedom.
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