For every reason Donald Trump wouldn’t be a terrible president (if any exist), there are probably 10,000 reasons why he would. Although opinions are generally subjective, this one really isn’t.
I really cannot find any redeeming quality in him, but that hasn’t slowed Trump’s momentum. He speaks without a filter, ostracizing entire demographics, but he has somehow attracted the attention of enough Americans to stay at or near the top of GOP polls for the past two months. In the latest poll, he trails GOP front-runner Ben Carson (also known as that neurosurgeon who doesn’t believe in evolution) by only 7 percent. Carson is also that guy who called marriage equality a “Marxist plot.” Needless to say, we voters have selected a really solid top two.
So, in case I haven’t scared you enough already, I have decided to reflect on what I assume life would be like in 2016 with Donald Trump as the actual leader of these United States.
It’s Nov. 7, 2016. It is also non-coincidentally the beginning of the apocalypse. The Mayans were wrong. Everyone was wrong (except Jennifer Lawrence — she tried to warn us, proving once again she is a model human). It was so obvious this whole time. The American people rub their eyes in disbelief. “How did we not see this coming?” they think. “We should’ve known when SNL actually invited him to be the host!”
Under the Trump administration, schools are once again segregated, women lose voting rights and vaccines are banned. Instead of making 71 cents to the dollar, women make no money to the dollar. Trump also decides his wine should hold a monopoly over the market so people stop drinking wine because Trump wine is that terrible.
People have actually begun following up on their threats to “move if he’s elected.” Suddenly, Americans are fleeing to their northern neighbor, Canada, a land where the prime minister genuinely enjoys taking pictures with the lead singer of Nickelback. Trump was convinced he was going to have an immigration problem. Now, he has a migration problem.
Trump has access to his very own money-printing machine and begins to print $10 bills with his face (and the mess he calls hair) on it, instead of either Ivanka Trump or Rosa Parks, as promised during a GOP debate. That was a lie.
Snapchat’s latest update includes a filter of Donald Trump’s face with flames as eyes. Literacy has fallen dramatically because Czar Trump has demanded no one can have a better reading level than his own — a whopping 3rd grade level. Now “idiot,” “loser” and “stupid” are insults the average constituent uses rather than just the average playground bully.
The media doesn’t know what to do with itself. Jon Stewart claimed his last six weeks at “The Daily Show” would be his best due to the comedic opportunities involving Trump, but now everyone knows he made a terrible mistake. Jon should have warned us! Is this his fault? He made us think this was a laughing matter, and then he retired. Now he’s dead to the American people. Or what’s left of them at least.
I can’t finish this thought piece. It’s honestly too terrifying. I’ve thought about this long enough that it will keep me up for the next week. Thanks, Trump.
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