The tendency of some University students to scream “Not gay!” in the middle of the Good Old Song has long been a topic of controversy. Everybody talks about it and acknowledges that it’s wrong and shameful. And then the next football game rolls around, and it’s still there. I am not the first or even 500th person to address the issue. By now you’ve probably seen a few articles, a couple blog posts and maybe a speech or a tweet from Dean of Students Allen Groves, when he wasn’t busy high-fiving people like it’s his job (is that his job? Unclear). Anyhoo, this author does not aim to lecture you on what you already know — that it’s wrong, it’s homophobic and it ruins a beloved University tradition that only rolls around on the rare occasion when opposing football teams take pity on us and allow a touchdown. Instead, I’d like to reach out to all you “Not gay!” chanters out there with a simple question: why?
Sincerely, I’d love an answer. What is it you hope to gain? Are you genuinely that concerned that you need to clarify for the entire world that you are not gay? If it is that important to you to make your heterosexuality known, by all means do not let me stand in your way. I’m psyched for you, dudes. But do you have to do it during the Good Old Song? It seems inefficient, and, frankly, it’s disorienting. There I am, arms wrapped around my peers, singing for “dear old U.Va.,” when all of a sudden, it is announced to me that those three guys behind me are straight. You yell it with such fervor — it makes me feel like I ought to take notice. What’s the proper etiquette here? Am I supposed to offer you congratulations? Perhaps I should run out on the field, stop the football game and steal a megaphone from one of the cheerleaders, à la Kanye West circa 2009:
“’SCUSE ME, U.VA. FOOTBALL TEAM, I’M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU, AND I’LL LET YOU FINISH, BUT I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT THOSE THREE GUYS STANDING BEHIND ME IN THE STUDENT SECTION ARE THE LEAST GAY MEN OF ALL TIME! ALLLLLL TIME, BABY! WE’RE TALKIN’ THE REAL DEAL, 100 PERCENT HETEROSEXUAL! LIKE, THEY SWEAR THEY’VE NEVER SEEN ANY MUSICAL THEATER! AT ALL! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT FASHION? BECAUSE THEY SURE DON’T! STRAIGHT AS CAN BE! Now, carry on.”
By now, I’ve paused to consider all the possibilities as to how I should respond to your “Not gay!” declaration, and I’ve probably missed the rest of the Good Old Song. And no offense to the football team, but since this opportunity only rolls around with each touchdown, it’s not like I’m going to get many more chances to sing this song today.
I race to catch up with the crowd, struggling through the chant at the end — “Wahoow-VIRGINIA.” Thanks a lot, Not Gay Boys. You’ve forced me to butcher the chant, and now I look like a fool. The whole stadium hates me. I can feel it. Isn’t there a better time to announce your straightness to the world? Over brunch, perhaps. Or maybe you could write a nice letter. I love a good letter. Who doesn’t? The possibilities are endless. If you are truly set on such a public, unsolicited declaration, may I suggest t-shirts? Something in a neon color, maybe, with your statement in big, bold letters: “WE ARE NOT GAY.” I will pay for your t-shirts myself if it means you’ll stop screaming while I’m trying to get my chant on.
Or have I misunderstood? Is this point in the song actually a time where we are all supposed to shout things we are not? “Not tall!” I will shout as you all tower over me. Or, if you’re looking for something more honest: “Not really showing a lot of potential, according to my sixth grade soccer coach!” I will proudly scream, soon bringing on flashbacks to that cool autumn day I was cut from the team. Screw you, Coach Lupinksi. See, now this feels a little too personal, and everyone in the crowd is uncomfortable because I have chosen an odd time to announce my broken athletic dreams. Nobody cares about my failed aspirations (a travesty, I know), and nobody cares about how straight you apparently are. Let’s stick to the regular song and save the personal revelations for later.
I could tell you that you sound ignorant. I could tell you that the lyrics “bright and gay” have nothing to do with homosexuality (if I have just blown your mind, you may want to consult a dictionary and reevaluate the quality of your pre-University education). I could also tell you that, in fact, plenty of our fellow Cavaliers ARE gay, and that it’s something to celebrate, not deny. But you already know all those things, and you clearly don’t care. So instead, I ask you to stop screaming “Not gay!” simply because you are seriously screwing with my ability to chant properly. And that’s something I just won’t stand for. My soccer dreams were crushed — this is all I have.
Nora Walls is a Humor writer.
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