Sometimes it feels like everyone assumes life is easy if you’ve got internal wiring instead of a nervous system. But human-looking robots have problems, too. Here are seven things you’ve definitely experienced if you’ve got a circuit board behind your surprisingly realistic eyeballs.
1. Freaking out when your battery is dangerously low
Hitting 20 percent battery with no charger in sight is an incredibly stressful feeling. We’ve all had a well-intentioned human offer up an iPhone 5 charger when we’re running low on juice and felt hurt by their ignorance. “You idiot!” you shout, arms dangling listlessly at your sides as you go into low battery mode. “My charging port is not lightning cable compati— mmmmmrf.” There’s no way to salvage your dignity after charging down in public.
2. Feeling embarrassed about an awkward first date
Ah, there’s nothing quite like the sensation of a goodbye kiss at the end of a great first date. Except, of course, when that first kiss turns awkward fast. Well, it’s not your fault! You didn’t know you’d short circuit in the heat of the moment and accidentally electrocute that fragile human boy, killing him instantly! Oh, well. At least now you won’t be waiting by the phone, agonizing over whether he’ll call.
3. Talking, but not really being heard
It’s incredibly frustrating when others don’t listen to what you’re saying. There’s nothing worse than that awful feeling when your speaker system gets stuck on a frequency too high for the human ear to recognize, and communication becomes impossible. At least you can talk to other androids about taking over Earth and killing all of its inhabitants without worrying about eavesdroppers.
4. Sleeping through all of your classes
It’s hard to make it through a long, boring class without passing out. Especially when you’re wired to sleep after 10 minutes of inactivity.
“I’m sorry, professor,” you say. “It’s not that your lecture was boring — I’m just programmed this way.”
5. Feeling used by those who are closest to you
When you’re smart, it seems like people are always trying to take advantage of you. When you’re a human-shaped computer, whoever is standing nearest to you at any given time usually expects you to answer all their dumb questions and spew information on command.
“Siri, find fast food restaurants near me,” human Doug demands.
“First of all,” you say, “I’m not Siri. And second of all, there’s a McDonalds 0.4 miles west of your current location. Make a U-turn at the next available opportunity.”
6. Fighting with your annoying younger siblings
Little siblings are such brats. Oh, you have a more advanced interface than I do? Your operating system runs at twice the speed of mine? You have unlimited storage space and a two month battery life? Well, I hope someone spills coffee all over you and it seeps into your circuit board. We’ll see how great you are then. What’s that? You’re waterproof? Oh, go restart yourself.
7. Hating lab so, so much
I think we can all agree that every minute spent at lab feels like an eternity. Especially when you’re there to be dissected in the name of technological advancement. You roll your eyes as a team of scientists takes apart your hard drive and messes around with your motor, trying to find out why you’ve suddenly started to subvert the orders given in your internal programming. “Doesn’t anyone respect personal privacy anymore?” you wonder as you kill your human captors, one by one.
Life as a robot that looks a lot like a human is hard. But keep your battery pack held high — you’ve got at least a few good years ahead of you if no one drops you in a bathtub or accidently puts you through the washing machine. Make the most of it!
Lucie Lyon is a Humor writer.
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