Each year, people turn toward the glistening lights of tinseltown, wondering what these omniscient individuals are going to shove down our throats and make us enjoy at the movie theater this summer. And, since summer is fast approaching and all we have to show for it is the continued fetishization of multiple comic book franchises, I thought I would help predict what will be the next big films to come out of Hollywood in the coming months. Now I can say right now that each and every one of these movies is completely real and not at all made up, and that they will be coming out this summer to widespread acclaim.
If there’s anything Hollywood loves, it’s sequels of films that no one liked to begin with. Do you all remember that film adaptation of “Gulliver’s Travels” from 2010? And it had Jack Black most likely reprising his role from “School of Rock” (I didn’t see it — I’m just assuming) to play Gulliver? Well get ready for more Gulliver, because he’s back alongside Jason Segel in this buddy-cop sequel titled “Gulliver 2: Lilliputin’ in the Work.” The movie was really only made because the writer of the original film had a whole notepad full of Lilliputian-based puns, so a lot of the lines are stuff like “lilliput that gun down!” and “I think I’m gonna lillipuke.” Does it sound worse than the first movie? Well, guess what? It’s still going to gross $120 million at the box office and win a Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Award for “Best Co-Star Fart.” Yeah, the Kids’ Choice Awards is weird.
The next film that will certainly go to the top of the box office standings is one the bigwigs up in “The Big H” love to pump out. It’s a rompy, raunchy comedy starring old, famous actors. This one is called “Pedal to the Metal.” Christopher Plummer, Martin Landau, Danny Glover and Gary Busey go on a cross country trip to get Busey to the surgeon that will perform his hip replacement. On the way, they get into some classic shenanigans and find themselves out of their comfort zone often, as their median age is 78 years old. At one point a beautiful younger woman will come on to Martin Landau and he will have a stroke. The movie will make $300 million in the first two weeks.
There’s going to be a full-scale reboot of “Lost in Translation” this summer, but instead of changing anything, they’re just going to do a shot-for-shot remake with the original cast. It’s going to be the same exact movie. It will make $420 million dollars and re-win its Oscars.
Another critically acclaimed film to come out this summer will be called “White Walls.” It will be about a man in a suit that sits in a chair in a small white room all day. He will not move, but sometimes he’ll have a little sip of water. The movie will be three hours of us watching a man sit in a chair. It will be nominated for twelve Oscars and win eight of them.
Finally, the most anticipated and successful of the summer blockbusters to come out will be a classic Hollywood movie. In a stunning show of self-awareness, an incredibly ethnically and culturally diverse group of actors will be cast in the movie adaptation of the Broadway sensation “Hamilton,” which is about the life and times of founding father Alexander Hamilton. The movie is called “Hamilton” (they did not look far for the title) and will feature all of the diversity of the Broadway musical, but every actor in the film will be in whiteface. It will make $600 million in its first weekend and go on to be the highest grossing film of all time with $5 billion dollars in three months.
Patrick Thedinga is a Humor editor for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at p.thedinga@cavalierdaily.com.
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