This year, our eternal lord and master Teresa Sullivan delivered a Convocation speech unlike any before it… but not in a good way. In lieu of previous sermons, T-Sully used her Rotunda-shadowed spotlight to preach on the importance of voting, ensuring we “fulfill our civic duty.” Although encouraging the College Republicans to vote for Thomas Jefferson’s third eyelash over Donald Trump is important, it really hurt the entertainment value. She cut out my favorite part of the traditional speech! In previous years, she has listed impressive feats people from the incoming class have accomplished before their arrival at the University, stirring up feelings of awe and inadequacy. So many people accomplish amazing things by age 18! On the other hand, Steve Jobs had invented the Apple computer by my age, so suck it, 15-year-old in the E-School! You probably didn’t even go to prom!
Where was I? Right, T-Sully’s speech. For some odd reason, it was decided that reminding people that we could accidentally democratically elect a Cheeto with a megaphone was more important than telling us about all the cool stuff the first-years did. While I’ll never know for sure what she would have said, mostly because the president’s office has really good security, I can provide my best guesses at what the original speech might have looked like:
“There are about 4,300 of you in this entering class. To help you get acquainted, let me tell you a bit about yourselves…
You’ve done very well on your tests. Well, most of you. Three of you have herpes but don’t know it yet. Student Health will be in touch.
You are a diverse group: Half of you are happy. A lot of you are white. If you’re both, then everyone is justified in hating you.
One of you has slept with a Muppet.
One of you has slept with every Muppet!
Three of you wrote sex positivity articles for The Odyssey about human-Muppet relations.
All of you are pre-Comm, though that shouldn’t come as a shock to you.
2,150 of you “settled” for the University and won’t shut up about how rigged Ivy admissions processes are.
2,150 of you made it here, your reach school, and are overjoyed.
One of you expected to go here and did so. Way to be the weirdo.
One of you started a charity for lab mice.
Another started a charity for lab rats and had a bitter feud with the mice charity.
One of you wrote a Tony-nominated musical about the rodent philanthropy feud and the forbidden love between two of their scientists. A real modern classic!
One of you still wets the bed. Sorry for outing you, Tony.
One of you committed arson this morning, but you didn’t lie, cheat or steal, so as far as I’m concerned you’re good.
Half of you will marry and then years later bitterly divorce one of your classmates.
All of you will one day be slaves of Orgoth, the Demon Lord of Below.
And what a good demon lord Orgoth will be. Hopefully her prophetic speeches will spell a brighter future for next year’s class. Until then, good luck with your mice charities.
Connor McLean is a Humor writer.
Read More
U.Va. “Tourapocalypse”
By Adair Reid | 3 days agoSpring is a beautiful time for Guides to go on the offensive and really highlight the beauty of Grounds from the pollen-caked sidewalks to the lovely-smelling new mulch.
Dear Power Outlet, My Dearest Darling Love
By Maggie McHaty | 6 days agoMy dearest darling love, the concussion to my midnight snowball fights on the Lawn, the 2023 sewage flood to my Brown Residential College, I know I should not have come back.
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | April 11, 2024This week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
