Failure is an experience most students attending the University are not accustomed to dealing with. Up to the end of syllabus week, we are all champions, intellects amongst the highest caliber in the nation, and everything comes quite naturally. Once the school year is truly underway, we are all reminded of the rigorous standards and expectations that we undertake when we agree to attend a school of such prestige that you can’t even call its property “campus” (please forgive me for using the c-word). To the first-years reading this (and the upperclassmen who missed this lesson), let me help you with this sudden feeling of ineptitude. Let me teach you how to manage the trials of University life when things don’t go your way.
It’s your professor’s fault.
If your paper received anything less than an “A,” then it’s possible your professor is completely illiterate. You “did” the reading, you “outlined” your research and you “edited” it with a quick glance over; doesn’t this hack know that strategy got you an “A” in high school? You got a 5 on the AP practice exams, so you’re practically a Pulitzer Prize winner. What’s unclear about your language? Your language makes perfect sense to you when you read it aloud. I mean, you’re not actually going to read it aloud because that’s exhausting, but you know it’s right. I don’t care if your use of a thesaurus is obvious because those words were longer and more Latin-y, which equals a better voice and diction! Everyone knows that!
Receiving a “C” on a multiple-choice exam? That’s simply impossible. The TA must have botched the grading process; I mean, they’re students, too, you know? I even saw one of them outside a classroom once. They don’t know what they’re doing. A few years ago, they were just acing the course because the professor liked him or her, and hated hundreds of other students. To hell with multiple-choice exams, because they cater to people who are “good test takers” and “know the material”. How were you supposed to manage your time between being an enrolled student and expanding your range of experiences at the same bar you went to all throughout syllabus week? That’s such an unfair way to treat people with money to spend on drinks.
You would give a way better tour than half of the UGuides if they weren’t so uppity to you and only you; getting nervous in front of crowds is something they ought to consider and balance out in their try-out process, not use as a measurement of comfort. It’s as if they wanted to throw me off to see how I would react, as if that’s ever going to happen in a real tour. Honor is so corrupt for not letting you in. What more is there to running that organization than knowing you shouldn’t lie, cheat or steal? If you haven’t committed any of those sins in the past week, you ought to be ordained, much less adopted by Honor.
Who does Tony Bennett think he is not offering you a spot on the team? You went to the open try-out, and you’re far more clutch than Perrantes in your driveway back home. The Career Center can’t actually think you need work on your interview skills — your resume format is perfectly copied and pasted. And I don’t think anyone can get the first Bodo’s ticket — the world doesn’t even exist before your 8 a.m. (which is CRAZY early).
The point I’m trying to make here is no matter what, you are destined to be on the Lawn. You can imagine yourself living on the Lawn, right? Then that’s got to be the reality. You would look so good in your Lawn chair, relaxing after your Comm school classes. Of course you got into Comm, you took Stats and Calc in high school — the Comm school should be applying to you! Dean Groves ought to just hand you the keys at this point! You are perfect!
Brennan Lee is a Humor writer.
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