We recently learned a lot of scary stuff about Donald Trump.
As a writer, that sentence has grown comfortable and familiar, like a nice sweater you can cozy up in. I shouldn’t feel that way. That’s the artistic equivalent of saying you know what alcohol poisoning feels like because you’ve had it so many times. But oh man, at least I had a better weekend than the College Republicans.
The College Republicans initially said they still “endorse him,” but “will not make excuses for such disturbing disrespect of any group or individual.” Yeah, c’mon guys! They don’t endorse Trump when he disrespects people! Unless those people aren’t white, Christian, conservative or masculine enough. Then they have a whole plethora of prepared excuses for why their candidate is allowed to be a bully. I’m a white man, and I feel unsafe! That’s generally a bad sign for a Republican candidate.
Then, after being screamed at, their Executive Board decided to hold a vote on whether to rescind their endorsement. A vote! In a year where democracy has lead to Brexit, continued Colombian violence and Trump becoming the nominee in the first place, they thought that holding a second vote would fix their problem.
Holy s—. Just. Holy. S—.
Aside from my blinding rage (see above) or my crippling anxiety (see my therapist) about this whole debacle, I am cackling about the surprise displayed by the CRs. Who? Who could have predicted that Donald J. Trump would say something offensive about an entire demographic? Who would have thought that a reality TV star would say something unplanned and horrible near a microphone?
Sure. They rescinded their endorsement. And sure! They’re showing something that resembles the human emotion of regret. But the vote only passed by 10 people, and it only happened because the College Republicans received more flack on social media than R. Kelly after he peed on a girl. I’m going to need a little more remorse, CRs.
There are few people in the history of the world, much less U.Va., who have displayed less predictive power than the CRs. I compiled a handy-dandy, ranked list for you below, because the best thing we can do in this Burger King dumpster fire of a year is remember that other people have been idiots too.
10. “Apple Computers is going down the tubes! It’s just going to get bought by Microsoft, so why would I ever invest in that company?”
–Every stock broker in the United States, 1994
9. “They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist—”
-Major General John Sedgewick, Battle of Spotsylvania, May 9, 1864
8. “F—k it, let’s invade Russia! What’s the worst that could happen?”
-Napoleon, probably, 1812
7. “Sure!”
-Bill Clinton, allegedly, November 1995
6. “Man, the Senate is going to be so fun today! Can’t wait to see all my buddies and tell them about the good stuff I’m planning for the Republic.”
-Julius Caesar, March 15, 44 B.C.
5. “What do you mean ‘more lifeboats’? This is the Titanic! It’s unsinkable! What am I, captain of the poor people boat? Throw those unsightly things out and fill their slots with more caviar and champagne!”
-Edward John Smith, Captain of the Titanic, 1912
4. “What is this, the power plant for babies! Turn it up to full blast Yeltsin! Let’s see what this thing can do.”
-The Chernobyl Power plant foreman, April 26, 1986
3. “Man this Trump guy seems like a real go getter. Has he thought about ruining everything for everyone ever? Cause that’s a real career option for him.”
-College Republicans, the RNC, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Nevada, Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Massachusetts, Tennessee, and possibly all of America (TBD but looking less likely by the day)
2. “Man this Hitler guy seems like a real go getter. Has he thought about ruining everything for everyone ever? Cause that’s a real career option for him.”
-Germany, 1919-1933
1. “Let’s just leave this amendment vague. Future generations will definitely have the foresight to put our words within the appropriate context for their times. Absolutely nothing could go wrong here.”
-The Founding Fathers, 1790
There you have it. They clocked in at number three. In history. At least they had friends!
Connor McLean is a Humor writer.
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