I am well-versed in the ways of the Internet. Each day I browse the web in search of the next key to being better than everyone else. Today’s panacea for mediocrity? Succulents. According to Pinterest and people who have time to write blogs about basically nothing, owning succulents is a great way to become a calmer person. Look no further, stressed college students! The cure for anxiety is here.
A succulent is a type of plant that can go a long time without water and thus requires little care. We’re all familiar with that time-honored chant of serenity: “Accept the things you cannot change.” By purchasing succulents, you declare to yourself and to those around you, “I accept that I am a pathetic, forgetful screw-up, so useless that I can’t even handle supplying a small amount of water to a single plant on a daily basis, so instead I’ll unleash my powers of f—ery on these on these hyperhydrated little b— that even I cannot destroy.” There are a lot of things to love about succulents, but according to Buzzfeed’s “32 Reasons Succulents Are The Best Plants Ever,” the number one reason is they’re low-maintenance. This is good news for you, a human unable to care even for yourself.
In addition to making your living space a little greener, growing succulents will improve your life because you will now be able to relate to all your garden enthusiast pals. Laughing over discussions of plant food and peak sunlight hours, you will say, “Oh, yes! Me, too! I enjoy this conversation because I also have plants! Greenery!” Your more stuck-up green-thumbed friends may claim your gardening experience is largely irrelevant, given that the breed of plant you own can literally survive in the desert without any sort of care, but you just tell Gary the Gardener to shove it. You are Zen as hell now. Gary wishes he knew what it was like to feel like this serene.
Always one to practice what I preach, I recently purchased several succulents for my own apartment, and let me tell you: I’ve never felt better. The first thing to know is succulents tend to be pointy, so it is possible that you will injure yourself while handling them. If you have sensitive skin like me, your hands may get particularly irritated. Feel that itchy, stinging pain in your palms? That’s tranquility. Drink it all in. I used to be stressed out just like all of you, but now each morning as I wince my way through brushing my teeth with my battered, bandaged hands, I think to myself, “Yes. Nirvana, here I come.”
Another fun part of owning succulents is deciding where to put them. They look so good anywhere! Personally, I’ve moved mine around my room a few times. Of course, given that you only got these plants in the first place because you’re a massive screw-up, you’re likely to knock them over once or twelve times, spilling soil everywhere. I sure did! Embracing my new, peaceful mindset, I took a deep breath and grabbed my trusty vacuum to clean the legions of soil from my carpet. I finished cleaning and smiled at my newly spotless floor. Then I picked up the vacuum, and in classic “Me: The Type of Person Who Can’t Handle An Actual Plant” fashion, I somehow managed to pull the vacuum apart, allowing all the dust and dirt it once held to explode all over my bedroom. “Well, f— me,” I said serenely, a calm glow emanating from my entire body, my soul smiling through the dirt, because of succulents.
So there you have it. If stress or anxiety seems to be taking over your life, consider purchasing a tiny cactus because lifestyle bloggers say it is a good idea and because such cacti are often featured in the background of Urban Outfitters photo shoots, which is the surest way to know, “This is a thing that will cost you a lot of money because it is very cool.” Sure, your skin may turn red and itchy, and yes, you may find it impossible to clean up all the dirt, but nothing beats the incredible peace of mind that will overcome you as you point to all your friends who don’t have succulents and say, “I am a better person than you because the Internet says so.”
Nora Walls is a Humor writer.
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