A real finals monologue, probably

Hey! How’s it going?

Wait — don’t say it, I already know. Me too. So stressed!

Exams are killing me. Every morning leading up to this week I awoke in panic. My roommate actually asked me to stop screaming. Doesn’t she get it? It’s finals! Studying? Well, no, just on Facebook right now. I need this break. I’ve been in the library since four. This afternoon? No, I’m no lightweight. Since four in the morning? No, I’m not crazy. 4 p.m.! Yesterday! Personal record. Thirty-two hours straight. Sleep? Who sleeps during finals? Did you notice that Alderman Café is out of sugar packets and double black? All me.

Honestly, I’m putting in the hours, but I can’t help being dragged down by these people. You see them? They’re all breathing. Like, all of them. Hear it? Blue-Beanie has a runny nose. Hasn’t he heard of a tissue? He may as well use my GPA after I take these exams! Haha. He’s not the only one who’s gonna blow it. Haha. I’m gonna blow it on these exams. I need to study.

Did you see this meme? Sorry, pre-study study break. It’s that one with Kermit and that hooded guy. It says “me: study” and then it says “other me: check out these memes.” Haha.

Was that your phone that dinged? Yeah, I tagged you in it. Can you turn it off though? I need to study.

You have an exam tomorrow? How are you not more stressed? Here, drink this. You’re gonna need it. What do you mean you’re going home soon? It’s finals!

Listen, I have three exams within 110 hours. Don’t tell me to calm down. You think I want to be here, slaving away for two days strai—Wow! My cousin just posted a picture of her 48-month-old baby boy. Kindergarten next year! If I were him, I’d already be stressing about finals! Haha.

Yeah, yeah, I’m studying. But it isn’t easy right now. The last Campus Cookies delivery was almost two hours ago. They’re doing a really poor job of keeping this place stocked with free exam food. Only eight CIOs have been hanging out snacks tonight. C’mon!

I can’t study on an empty stomach. And trust me, after an entire vat of double black, it’s super empty. Almost as empty as my soul. Haha. Because it’s finals! Also, I haven’t been able to digest all week. Just stress-vom.

You’re starting to sound like my roommate. I’m sorry some of us actually care about our grades. In a few years, when employers go line by line down our transcripts, meticulously inspecting each and every grade we received, we’ll see who’s laughing. Though for now, it sure won’t be me. I’m stressed!

Short-sighted? Well, yeah. Eyes on the prize! Tell me, what’s more important than that? Yes, I’m happy. Or at least I will be. Whenever finals are done. Which I guess means after college. When all this stress pays off! Although I guess my job might be stressful too. Whatever. Grind time!

Self-absorbed? No, I mean — okay, sure, I could have asked about your day, but I already know the answer. It’s finals! Haha.

Really? Okay, honestly? F— you.

Get the f— off my table. F— you. Keep watching, Blue-Beanie. Enjoy pneumonia.

Yikes. That got out of hand. Please stay. I can’t study without my study buddy.

We’re good, right? I would say sorry, but I’m sure you understand. It’s finals.

Zach Schauffler is a Humor writer.

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