You know who’s nominated. You know who’s hosting. You think you know who the winners will be. But that knowledge isn’t going to be enough to get you through hours of conversation during an Oscar viewing party that’s sure to last longer than the lifespan of most birds and small mammals. Lucky for you, I’m here to give you the lowdown on Oscar season and serve up the gossip that everyone’s been buzzing about. Read on for all the Oscars dirt you need to know to impress your friends this February.
Biggest Awards Snub: Oscar Isaac
Film lovers everywhere are up in arms about the absence of Oscar Isaac from the nominee list for the 2017 Academy Awards. A world-renowned stage and screen presence, known for playing Romeo that one time and for voicing a character in a new podcast that stars Ross from “Friends,” Isaac did not receive an Academy Award nomination, will not serve as a presenter at the ceremony and, worst of all, did not even receive an invitation to attend the show. Rumor has it, Isaac will be watching the Oscars alone in his apartment with his goldfish, Wayne. Watch out if your Oscar viewing party guests seem blue this year — you’ll have to be prepared for Oscar Isaac fans who find this year’s awards more than a little bittersweet.
Least Promising Actor: Oscar the Grouch
Known for appearing as himself on hit television show “Sesame Street” and in one short Japanese Xerox commercial, Oscar the Grouch was a fixture at film auditions this year, yet was somehow completely absent from the silver screen. Has the epic box office flop “The Adventures of Elmo in Grouchland” completely killed the Grouch’s chances as a leading man? Or has his crotchety personality made him impossible to work with? Either way, you can wow your Oscar guests with the inside scoop that the Grouch and his best friend, earthworm Slimey, may be packing up the trash can and making a career change in 2017.
Best Party Snack: Oscar Mayer Meats
Whether you’re watching the Oscars from sunny California or the frozen tundra of North Dakota, Oscar Mayer has a meat product that will keep your awards show guests satisfied as you brave hours of acceptance speeches and lame jokes made by a very tipsy Jimmy Kimmel. Tuck into a tried and true Oscar Mayer wiener, or mix it up with a cold cut tray piled high with delicious bologna. For those of you expecting a hip, young crowd, stock up on Lunchables now — they’ll be completely sold out by the time the big day is here.
Most Likely to Get Upset When “La La Land” Wins All the Awards: My Uncle Oscar
My Uncle Oscar loves the Academy Awards. But he hates when popular fan favorites beat out indie films. My biggest piece of advice is to avoid inviting my Uncle Oscar to your viewing party. No matter how much he begs, do not invite my Uncle Oscar to stop by, eat a yummy bologna and watch a few minutes of the Oscars. Even if he promises not to make a scene, I guarantee you that he will catch a glimpse of Damien Chazelle’s pale face during the broadcast and become enraged. He will smash your remote, getting plastic and battery acid all over your cold cuts. He will then shout, “What more do you want, Damien Chazelle? What more could we possibly give you? A Lifetime Achievement Award? The key to the city of Los Angeles? MERYL STREEP’S BIG TOE?!” If your party was not already ruined by the battery acid meat situation, it will then be ruined when my Uncle Oscar lays on the floor, screaming praises of “Moonlight” in an effort to drown out the sound of “La La Land” winning Best Picture.
You’re now as ready as you’ll ever be for the 2017 Oscars. But remember, awards season doesn’t end in March — stay tuned for updates about a certain Frosted Flakes-loving tiger who is rumored to be hosting the upcoming 2017 Tony Awards.
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