It was not too long ago that most of humanity rushed to toy shops, grocery stores,and knock-off Hallmark cards locations in search of one item. At the time, it was destined to be the ultimate collectable and potential treasure trove. I am, of course, referring to Beanie Babies.
Given the uncertain times in which we live, experts in all fields have focused their attention on one important question: how valuable will Beanie Babies really be in our society after the end of all days?
Former Gimbles cashier register and the too-old-to-be-alive neighbor Doris Shawney is a firm believer in her stored value of Beanies for when hell hath frozen over. “The skeptics will be sorry,” shouted the super-old Doris. “Those of us who kept the faith that Beanie Babies would be worth something someday will be queens in the new order!”
Economists, attorneys, doctors and crazy, cat ladies with boxes full of old stuffed animals have calculated what the classic Ty stuffed animals will be worth in the bedlam that follows the apocalypse.
The 12,000 page-long official report, discovered this morning stapled to a Ty Peek-a-Boo kiosk at a local mall, contains a catalogued list of every Beanie Baby ever released, ranked in order of post-apocalyptic value. Topping the list are Mystic the Unicorn and Humphrey the Camel.
“We used several different metrics for, what I certainly believe to be, a sophisticated ranking,” said intern and former speech and debate captain Ryan Rigley. “Squeals-on-sight of the Beanie, bedtime requests for having the Beanie and unwillingness to sell the Beanie in question at a yard sale were all factors we took into heavy consideration.”
The report continues with pages upon pages of fair barters involving Beanie Baby toys. Julius Winthrop, a leader in the field of finance and a father of seven, wrote: “When the day of reckoning has arrived, even Beanie Babies as common as that rainbow peace sign bear will be worth enough to trade for a shower curtain to collect rainwater, or a shovel to fight off belligerent nomads.”
Beanie Babies affect on cultural aspects of the second era of humanity are also being closely scrutinized and anticipated.
“Once all art and beauty is destroyed, Mystic the Unicorn’s fine glittery mane is the only thing that will bring joy and light into our underground bunkers.” wrote art historian Davie Moon. “Honestly, I’m not sure why I haven’t seen more artists dedicate more of their pieces of art or exhibits to these lifeless creatures that will, ironically, be one of the sole sources of welfare in the future. I mean, where do they think they’re going to get their funding from? You better believe it’ll be Beanie Babies.”
The Cavalier Daily staff scored an exclusive interview with Gemma Fleet, a survivalist who split from the Beanie Baby task force after a series of hostile arguments last week. “If need be, you could eat them! That’s all I was saying,” Gemma told us. “They are made of fabric and if you were ever to find yourself in a starvation situation, you could and should use them as food.”
While they will most certainly be the most valued unit of trade in a Earth-scorched world, Beanie Babies won’t be the only form of currency, according to the highest-selling toy of all time, Elmo.
“Elmo will definitely be keeping holds on his pet rocks, baseball cards and American Girl dolls when Sesame Street isn’t so sunny anymore!” says the 47-year-old red rug.
When asked what the value of sets of coins from each state would be, Elmo laughed so hard he fell back into his world and couldn’t comment further.
Whether they’re used as currency, or — God forbid — eaten, looks like your vintage Beanie Babies are going to be a must-have item once the world’s governments crumble, leaving all of us in a state of anarchy. Unless you’ve removed their original Ty name tags. Then you’re screwed.
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