Below is a retelling of actual events within the private residence of The White House at 6:15 a.m. Wednesday, Feb. 2, 2017.
I arrived early to my sit-down with President Trump. Mr. Trump, donning gold silk pajamas with “You’re Fired” emblazoned across his behind, rolled out of bed with a thump. He missed the fur rug from his Manhattan residence, but an aid told me it would “take time” to find a cheetah print that met the Committee for Preservation of the White House’s standards.
Mr. Trump slid on his cushy black slippers — sources say Melania wants him wear more black because “it’s slimming” and “evokes strong leaders from history, like Darth Vader” — and walked to his sitting area. Given his distaste for the media, it should come as no surprise that he neither noticed nor acknowledged my presence.
I watched from the entryway as the President reclined on a satin sofa and barked at one of his staffers: “Where’s my warm milk?”
“Mr. Trump of course refuses to drink coffee, but he has enjoyed a morning glass of warm milk since he noticed his son Barron did so as an infant. Ever the family man, Mr. Trump joined Barron in this wake-up routine and has been drinking the good stuff since,” the staffer explained the milk penchant to me, while insisting that Mr. Trump would be ready for me soon, as she delivered a tall, gold-rimmed glass of warm milk to the Commander and Chief.
“Are you forgetting something?” Mr. Trump remarked to the staffer with a mix of condescension, passive-aggression and perhaps indigestion in his tone.
“I’m sorry, is something missing, sir?”
“The news? As the President of the United States, I need to stay updated on current events and public sentiment.”
“Of course, sir. You’ll see I placed a copy of The New York Times on your end table.”
“No, no, I don’t want fake news. I need something fair and balanced. Look, just hand me the TV remote.”
The staffer turned on the television — a 70-inch flat screen, HD, curved so the President might feel immersed in the images of himself — but to her horror CNN blinked to life onscreen.
“I’m so sorry, Mr. President. I requested this channel blocked on Thursday, but I guess the cable company already deported its workforce.”
“It’s fine. Just hand me the remote and I’ll find something else to watch.”
The staffer placed the remote in President Trump’s pudgy hand before scurrying off, not unlike a mouse that just escaped the claws of fat, orange Garfield. When the staffer ignored me as she left, I decided to linger and observe the show until Mr. Trump discovered my presence.
The President of the Free World briefly looked at CNN’s programming and to his shock and awe realized it had nothing to do with him! He quickly flipped the channel to Fox News, which also failed to discuss him and/or his greatness. Mr. Trump broke into a cold sweat as his fragile ego splintered. (Or, at least, it looked like it to me). As if he were picking up a stink bug to hurl out the window, President Trump lifted up the copy of The New York Times to read the cover, which included a story on a shooting in Canada.
But then he found a glimmer of hope. Hidden under The New York Times, where his aids likely thought he would never look, sat the President’s trusty Android — unencrypted and begging for rogue web-surfing. He glanced over his shoulder. I did not try to hide, but Mr. Trump looked right past me. Trump then appeared deep in deliberation as he muttered to himself:
“Kellyanne should still be catching up on lost sleep from the campaign, Steve would tell me to go for it and, besides, one tweet never hurt anyone, right?”
Donald J. Trump caressed his sleek black smartphone. His short, plump fingers slid over the screen as his thoughts spewed from his brain to the Internet. He waited. He took a sip of warm milk. And he smiled when he witnesses the conversation on TV pivot back to the 45th President of the United States.
Content with the scoop I had just witnessed, though eager to get my real questions answered, I stepped in front of the television to capture the President’s attention.
“Good morning Mr. Trump, we had an interview scheduled— ”
“I don’t talk to fake news!”
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