New Bieber song fundamentally saves society

Following the release of his latest single “I’m The One,” DJ Khaled’s hottest track has taken the world by storm and is causing a global awakening for love, tolerance and prosperity. With an Avengers-esque line-up of featured stars and a beat which the Food and Drug Administration classifies as “dangerously and intoxicatingly addictive,” this song soared to the number one trending song in the world. More importantly, however, it is the cultural impact this song is already creating that is most important.

“Look, I get it, I’ve been a very polarizing person, both in my campaign and throughout my presidency,” said President Donald Trump, who spent the entirety of his most recent press release lauding praises on the song. “But if this is what can come about from working together, if this sort of product could be realized from setting aside competitive differences, then maybe I need to reevaluate everything. I want the Democrats to be the Bieber and Chance to my Khaled or Quavo.”

With Justin Bieber on the hook, and rappers Quavo, Chance The Rapper and Lil Wayne each absolutely destroying their own verses, this song is attracting the attention of a wide multitude of personalities. Just yesterday, the Pope reposted the link to the music video and decreed the pop hit as a Catholic hymn. Renowned physicist Steven Weinberg has confirmed the song is “too frickin’ catchy, it’s out of this world,” and says the song is “such a banger” it implies some deep metaphysical problems. Louis C.K. says he is no longer upset with life after just hearing the Bieber’s chorus.

Besides personal affections for the song, “I’m the One” is also solving a plethora of crises which have plagued the globe for many decades. In a statement yesterday, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu reported that the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is completely resolved due to the song’s release. When asked how the song’s release can account for the severe damage both sides have inflicted upon each other, Prime Minister Netanyahu merely shushed the reporter, turned up his speaker, and rapped along to Chance’s “fuego” lyrics.

In addition to long-standing Middle East crisis, North Korea agreed earlier this morning to open its borders and institute a more tolerant government as soon as the song’s stars agree to do a tour in their country. “I’ve had no faith in the Western world or democracy or most basic human rights, but as soon as the first bass note hit, I have no choice but to admit that globalization may be a concept that warrants more attention,” said Chairman Kim Jong-Un in a statement to his entire country. “Nuclear warfare is no longer a risk I am willing to take, especially if that would mean I wouldn’t get to listen to all of Khaled’s new album. Don’t ever play yourself!”

While crime, hate and sin hit all-time lows just hours after the song’s release, climate change expert and scientists universally agree the song offers no good news for the world’s environment. “The problem is that ‘I’m the One’ is so hot right now, it is literally playing a focal role in the Earth’s rapidly changing environment,” said EPA director Scott Pruitt, who himself was attempting to memorize the Quavo verse and match it with his own choreography during the interview, “As soon as Chris Brown or Trey Songz do a remix to this, those polar ice caps are toast, pun intended!” added Pruitt.

While the song has already proved itself to be the song of the summer, DJ Khaled seemed confident that his upcoming projects would certainly outshine his most recent release. “This song was warm, it’s got nothing on my upcoming singles, baby,” Khaled said in his minute-by-minute SnapChat address, “I’m teaming up with the Chainsmokers, Derulo, and Paul McCartney next, and this song gonna solve quantum mechanics and end world hunger!”

related stories