Why should you send your child to Hogwarts?

Greetings parents of [insert quirky sounding British name here],

I am writing to you on behalf of the admissions department of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, a place you have undoubtedly heard of thanks to eight feature films and seven best-selling novels. Anyways, this letter serves as proof that your child is indeed magical and that they have what it takes to become a student at Hogwarts, where they will begin their first steps towards becoming an outcast from society forever. 

Of course, you must have a plethora of questions, all of which I will be happy to answer. You may be asking yourself, “Why should I send my child to this school? I’ve heard it’s very dangerous.” I’m going to have to agree with this sentiment. Hogwarts is undoubtedly the most terrifying place to send a pre-teen. Ghosts wander the halls, paintings shout at you during all hours of the night and every door has the potential to lead to your demise. Children can traverse grounds with almost unlimited freedom, and everything (and I mean everything) both inside and outside the classroom has the potential to kill you. Our most popular sport is one of the most twisted and deadly games every concocted, and our most popular alumnus (you know who he is) caused the school to consistently become a target for our world’s most dangerous terrorist (you know who he is). I mean seriously, every single year that Harry Potter was at our school something absolutely nightmarish occurred. I have no idea how we are still in business.

On the other hand, upon graduation your child should be able to score a really awesome job, right? Well, maybe. You see, there really aren't that many wizarding jobs out there in the real world, and since these magical people seem to live for ungodly amounts of time, I don’t really see many jobs opening up in the future. So the best I really think your child can do is a pencil pusher at a classic 9-to-5 job. Well, except instead of physically pushing the pencils I guess they could make them float around with a wand, so that’s cool I guess. You know, now that I think about it, Hogwarts is probably not the right fit for any child at all, not just yours. There is a high probability that your son or daughter may not return alive after his or her first semester. Even if they do make it out in one piece, they might be working the same office job as an ordinary citizen, except with a much greater disconnect from modern society than the average man. I mean, we still use torches as our only light source! Apparently, we can conjure up potions to turn into other people, but we somehow can’t order one single goddamn battery-powered flashlight. Now that I think about it, there is not one single positive aspect of sending your child to this school. Please do not. In fact, I plan on resigning from my position right after I finish inscribing this letter on parchment with my feather quill. Like an actual feather, from a bird. Can we not afford at least a pen? This is B.S.

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