Dear Secret Society recruiter/HR department,
Please accept the following as my application to your secret society. I’m not too picky about which one you’re in, as long as it’s secret — and societal. Not only has being in a secret society been a dream of mine since my tour of Grounds as a high schooler, but I’m also totally qualified. Let me explain.
Secretive. Really secretive.
I ooze secrecy out of my pores. They call me John “Area 51” Patterson because no one knows what’s going on in my head, but they’re pretty sure something is indeed going on in there. Who are “they?” That’s, uh, a secret. It’s definitely not just me. Stop implying that.
Need proof of how cloaked in mystery I am? I think my actions speak for themselves. I publish detailed accounts of my personal life online for those sweet, sweet Facebook likes. How could I be more opaque? I’m also great with handling other people’s sensitive info. Back in middle school I found out who my friend had a crush on, and I only told some of her closest friends.
Nowadays, I have more enthusiasm for secret-keeping than I have secrets to keep. For instance, I hollowed out the inside of one of my books so it has a hidden compartment, but I don’t have anything to hide in it! I also made placemats for my drawers that work as false bottoms, but I don’t have any classified documents to slide under there either. Give me juicy, secret-society contraband to hide in my trick book and drawers. Please. They took, like, three hours to make.
Like, totally woke bro.
Most of our secret societies seem to be socially conscious and address the University’s pressing social issues. Let me say a couple things to pander to this audien… I mean elaborate on my qualifications! I’m all about social awareness.
Again, I’ll let my actions do the talking. I’m minoring in philosophy so my mind’s been blown enough times for me to achieve woke-status. I think my natural next step is writing anonymous letters and checks to worthy causes on Grounds as a member of a clandestine organization.
Excellent Interpersonal Communication, Written & Verbal.
What? I put this line on all my applications since it’s listed as a requirement for every job posting I’ve seen.
Relevant Skills:
- Prowling — Startled mother certified
- Letter Writing — English major certified
- Python & Java programming languages — Aware of existence
- Pizza Delivering — Delivered sandwiches for Firehouse Subs, assuming this is a transferable skill
- Mask Wearing — Self-taught
- Arriving super-duper early to Convocation, counting to the seventh chair in the seventh row, double checking my counting, taping a letter underneath the chair, giving it a little pat to make sure it’s taped there nice and good and walking away inconspicuously — I did this for Firehouse Subs as well
Thank you for your consideration. If you’re impressed by my impressive application, I’m sure it’s within your shadowy powers to find my address or email to contact me.
Always professionally,
John F. Patterson
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