Year in review: We can blame Katy Perry

There is no question that the year 2017, in its entirety, provided its fair share of powerful and significant events which will undoubtedly influence and alter the future for years to come. While much of the news is categorized as negative by the public, there were a mix of important stories both good and bad. What every single one of these stories does have in common, however, is clear: It all rests on the shoulders of Katy Perry.

Both for the United States and the international community, the inauguration of U.S. President Donald Trump ushered in an unprecedented era of politics, but it also granted authenticity to the new power of Katy Perry. “There were many social, political and cultural factors at play in the election and response to Mr. Trump’s election, but there is little doubt that Ms. Perry’s absence from the musical world during 2015 and 2016 left a clear path for Mr. Trump to ascend to the top of the Washington landscape,” said famous political scientist and Harvard dean Theda Skocpol. Skocpol went on to add, “Many of us ‘professionals’ might have underestimated certain demographic behaviors or nationalist trends before and after the presidential election, but I’ve always staunchly tracked Katy Perry’s influence in all this. Fail to do so at your own peril.”

It appears that Katy Perry not only inspired hyper-irrational voting, but also somehow simultaneously invigorated liberal women and the feminist movement in the form of the Women’s March in Washington, D.C. While Perry’s attendance of the event was well-documented, what flew well under the radar was that she also single-handedly organized the event logistics, including setting up modes of national transportation, acquiring city permits and booking high-profile performances. “I didn’t think I would be able to attend the March at all,” said Kendra Blair, a 47-year-old mother of three from Minneapolis, Minn. “But Katy Perry called me personally at the last second to let me know that they had room on the bus at the local station, so I went! She even hired me a babysitter. That girl LITERALLY does it all!”

Besides American domestic politics, Katy Perry somehow also made her presence felt in geopolitical tensions across borders on a global stage. “I recognize the unfair perception the media has created regarding this presidential administration, but believe this if nothing else: Katy Perry bewitched us all,” said Jared Kushner, senior advisor and son-in-law to President Donald Trump, as well as a leading individual in the ongoing investigation of Trump campaign involvement in Russian tampering with the presidential election. “I’m telling you, Katy Perry made up the concept of fake news. Her insight into the fact that people will listen to just about anything was the entire foundation behind this. Only Katy Perry could’ve provided that perspective.”

Katy Perry was not limited to the political sphere, but even made her otherworldly omnipotence and control felt in the natural realm. “Atmospheric pressure changes and wind patterns can be very difficult to track, but we have the utmost confidence that every major hurricane from the 2017 cycles and seasons originated from Katy Perry herself,” says Tom Skilling, one of the most notable meteorologists for the WGN-TV station in Chicago, Ill. “Exactly how she is able to manipulate the air to create cyclonic forms, we’re not sure. But the wildfires in California are pretty clearly a result of her single ‘California Girls.’” When pressed to answer whether or not Katy Perry is completely to blame for the natural disasters, Skilling quickly added, “Look, nobody could’ve predicted ‘California Girls’ would still be hot. It’s unprecedented, besides R. Kelly’s ‘Ignition’’s effect on the American auto industry in 2008.”

Discovering that the world revolved (at least for the duration of 2017) around the acclaimed pop singer is only the beginning, says John Allen, the current president of the reputable think tank Brookings Institution. “We’re going to have to find a way to reclaim the essences of fate and existence that Ms. Perry has seemingly absorbed from our dimension,” Allen said. When asked if there was any chance these centrifugal powers could be transported, Allen did mention the possibility of the next successor being Vince Vaughn. 

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