Lost 'Hoo Civilization' uncovered by archeologist, scholars baffled

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For centuries, the subgroup of ancient Americans has been dismissed as pure myth. Until now. 

Christina Anton | Cavalier Daily

*Originally published in the Comrade Daily on Feb. 22, 5092 in Russian. Translated by Ivan Korsakoff.

According to legend, the great civilization of the Hoo people was destroyed over 3000 years ago by the Great Beer Flood of 2020 CE. For centuries, the subgroup of ancient Americans has been dismissed as pure myth. Until now.

Last Monday, in the eastern part of modern People’s Republic of Amerussia, intrepid archaeologist Montana Bones discovered the ruins of the ancient city of Hooville, which had been preserved in an underground lake of beer, confirming the myth of the Great Beer Flood. A Professor of Russo-American History at the University of New Moscow, Bones has become a celebrity amongst scholars and the layman alike. We contacted Professor Bones to comment on the Hoo people. 

“Our knowledge of the Hoo people is steeped in myth,” said Bones. “It is difficult to determine the truth from stories. However, there are some things we know. We know that their capital city of Hooville was founded on July 4, 1776 CE by Founding Fashionista T.J. Maxx. We also know that their scholars were completely celibate, indicated by the name of their campus, “University of Virgins.”

“Despite having an enormous campus,” Bones continued, “the Hoo were, as a whole, more interested in honoring their deities with ritual drinking of coffee in the morning and beer at night. In fact, the Hoo renamed their campus “Coffee Grounds” in order to show their devotion. Moreover, the Hoo became illiterate and actually forgot how to spell ‘Who,’ their original clan name, because they spent all their time ritualistically imbibing their beer and coffee.”

As Professor Bones mentioned, the Hoo were a very religious people. The patron deity of the Hoo was a mother-goddess known as Miz-Kathy. The modern religion of Buttkicking is speculated to have been descended from her cult. Miz-Kathy was honored in the exquisite Temple of New Comb. The Temple of Old Comb has yet to be uncovered. Minor Hoo deities include the messenger god Wheelie Kid and war goddess Tonya Bennett.

“Like all ancient civilizations,” explained Bones, “the Hoo often found themselves in violent conflicts with their neighbors, such as the barbarous Hokies to the southwest or the mysterious clan known only as ‘The Tribe’ to the southeast.” A number of mystic traditions were designed to win wars. For example, chanting the “Good Ol’ Song” before battle supposedly brought good luck by invoking Tonya Bennett. The Hoo also intimidated their enemies by donning their traditional war attire of guys-in-ties and girls-in-pearls. The meaning of their war cry, “Wahoowa,” is unknown, though it appears that it was intended to confuse enemies by imitating the sound of crying infants. 

The superiority of the Hoos in war is evidenced by the discovery of the “Slush Fund,” a hidden trove of ancient American currency found buried near the Regent Queen Tee Sully’s palace. This impressive treasury was likely plundered from their weaker vassals.

“More research must be done on the Hoo,” proclaimed Professor Bones. “We have so much to learn from them, despite their primitive nature. Their extinction immediately preceded the fall of the declining American Empire, giving us a rare look into life before Russian occupation in America.”'

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