Are you too tolerant towards yourself? Do you often have that odious feeling of self-love? Are you trying your best to hate yourself, but luck keeps your self-esteem afloat? Don’t you worry, I feel your comfort and ease.
Earlier this month, I approached a friend looking for a way to rectify this problem. In simple terms, he explained what was troubling me and offered me an easy, free solution, which I’m here to relay to y’all.
These awful symptoms and more are simply explained by a lack of self-contempt. Lucky for us, our medication is only one “Free Download” button away — Fortnite Battle Royale.
If you haven’t heard of Fortnite, you probably have a life. The virtual sensation has usurped popularity from more traditional, paid, shoot-and-kill games like Call of Duty. Epic, the company that designed Fortnite, recently announced that it has now amassed over 40 million downloads of the game.
The vast majority of this Fortnite mob is in the same predicament as you and I — they too are sufferers of contentment and are looking for a way to purge themselves. And there is no better avenue through which we can reconnect with our roots of self-disgust than this stupid, freakin’ game.
The free Battle Royale version of Fortnite features a free-for-all game mode where each player is pitted against 99 others. Players gather in a waiting area, and are then dropped onto an island by a flying blue school bus suspended from a hot-air balloon.
Players skydive to reach specific locations on the map and collect loot — including guns, shield potions and health items — ultimately aiming to brutally murder their opponents and collect their loot. You can also chop down literally anything to gather resources — providing either wood, brick or steel — which you can build your own structures. The last player standing is the victor.
Again, you may have trepidations about this system. According the raw numbers, you’d have a 1 percent chance of winning and falling further and further away from depression. But those numbers are skewed!
In reality, there is a select group of players who spend their entire lives on this game, and those guys pretty much always win — you can tell who they are because they own special paid customization packages for their avatars.
I’ve played at least 500 times, and I’ve only won once! Essentially, my final opponent outsmarted me by jumping to his death from like, 200 feet, leaving me with the bitter taste of victory in my mouth.
Fortunately, the other 499 times I’ve played have gone exactly how I wanted. The multitude of ways through which I’ve died were sensual and arousing. Usually, I just get a shotgun shell to the face or get shredded by an assault rifle — those straightforward, predictable deaths do please me to no end.
But what really gets me going are the unexpected and unlikely deaths. One time I watched my friend get obliterated by a minigun from a guy who landed right next to him with a parachute — truly orgasmic. Another good one was when I tried to throw a grenade at an opponent, but it hit a tree and bounced right back at me. Consequently, I was blown to pieces. That was one of the most satisfying experiences of my young life.
The best part of the game is that you always think you have a chance to win, and pretty much always, that hope is violently ripped away from you by some 12-year-old addict. Unlike other things people use to resist their self-love, like drugs and alcohol, the stimulating effects of Fortnite do not diminish over time.
No, every time you die will be as excruciatingly delightful as the first. Plus, Fortnite only has one mild side-effect: the happiness you may experience after a win. The rest are all positive — restlessness, feeling of dread, increased irritability, susceptibility to illness, loss of vision, more potent self-loathing and much more!
Fortnite has reinvigorated my sense of self-hatred. I cannot recommend it any more wholeheartedly to all people who suffer from the horrid love I felt toward myself before playing. I promise that if you download Fortnite, it will do the same for you.
SPONSORED BY EPIC GAMES
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