Your 2018 horoscopes are finally here!

ARIES (March 21-April 19)

You’ve really been through it this past year, Aries, and I can’t promise that you’ll stop going through it. Try connecting to your emotional side by letting loose the floodgate of tears you’ve been holding back right in the middle of class. It might not help, but maybe your professor will be sympathetic enough to give you the B+ that you don’t deserve.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

2018 is all about relationships for you, Taurus, and a wardrobe change wouldn’t hurt your luck. Start by putting away your shorts until it’s actually warm out. No one is impressed by your goose pimple legs. 

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Oh, Gemini. It’s time to get your finances together this year. We know it can be difficult to resist buying that cool vape pen from Island Dyes, but vape juice is not a substitute for real food. On that note, Uranus enters your twelfth house in May, increasing your susceptibility for salmonella, so avoid the dining halls during finals.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

Do not, I repeat, do not ask your girlfriend for the Detective Pikachu amiibo you so desperately want when it gets released. She’s supported your collection for a while, but this could be the final straw, Cancer. And if she leaves, you already know that it will take you all of 2018 to recover — you poor water sign, you.

LEO (July 23 - Aug. 22)

You want to be loved by everyone, Leo, but do you want to return the love? Keep this in mind the next time your Bodo’s cashier gets a little too friendly with you. Neptune’s creative energies should help you avoid an aggressive confrontation, but if you can’t make it out of there without hurting some feelings, remember — the bookstore has Einstein’s, and they take meal swipes.

VIRGO (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22)

With Saturn in your fifth house, you might be wondering what you’re doing in the SERP bathroom at 1 a.m. on a Sunday holding your roommate’s hair for the third week in a row. You know that it’s time for some lifestyle changes, Virgo. Take the reins from your messy friend group and make a solid weekend plan that gets you where you really want to be: your bed at a decent time.

LIBRA (Sept. 23 - Oct. 22)

You have a great opportunity this year to work on your habits, Libra. Just make sure that the habits you make are worth keeping. Some of your peers can afford to drink every night of the week, but can you, Libra? 

SCORPIO (Oct. 23 - Nov. 21)

Listen Scorpio: 2018 is all about turning over a new leaf. Your generally petty nature is starting to tire you out, and those around you will take advantage of that. All I’m saying is, check your Crocs before you leave the house.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21)

You love some good drama, Sagittarius. Try not to create your own. We know the last bits of 2017 were dry regarding your romantic life, but that doesn’t mean you should hook up with an ex just to cause some chaos on a Friday night that you can report to your girls on Saturday. We want what’s best for you Sagittarius! Unlike Scorpio, we know you’re capable of listening!

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan. 19)

Capricorn, everyone’s been ripping into you lately. And we’re not saying you don’t deserve it, because … you kind of do. Maybe focus on a new hobby or something to distract you during this trying time? We hear the Blacksmithing Club is always looking for new members!

AQUARIUS (Jan.  20 - Feb. 18)

2018 is going to make you even more eccentric than usual, Aquarius. Whatever you do, don’t hop onto that weird toe thing that’s been going around Twitter lately. No one actually does it, Aquarius, they’re just making fun of–– Wait, come back here! No! Please! We can talk this through!

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Listen Pisces, you’re a wreck, but Aquarius is trying me right now so I only have a little bit of time to tell you to get it together. Maybe drink less coffee so that your lactose intolerance doesn’t cause you to miss your noon classes? That’s all I’m saying, Pisces.

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