Dear W & S,
I come to you with a very hard situation. Or, soft I should say. I’ve been having some serious problems with … downstairs … I think I’m attracted to my girlfriend’s juul. But, before you judge, let me try to explain myself. The problem really began when she started juuling before we did the dirty (and sometimes during but that’s a different story). Everytime we kiss, she tastes like that damn Creme-Brulee-flavored pod. Eventually, every time she whipped out that juul, I started getting real excited, if you know what I mean. Kinda like one of that dude Pavlov’s dogs. Soon, it wasn’t enough to just watch her juul. I wanted more — I NEEDED more. I tried holding her juul while I diddled the skittles, but soon that wasn’t enough. I had no choice but to do the unmentionable. Sticking it up was the quickest way to get it up. It was great for a while, but the pleasure soon turned into dependency. Now, I can’t get it up without a juul up my butt. I never intended for it to go this far. Please help.
-Juulov’s Dog
P.S. This is anonymous, right?
Dear ‘Juulov’s Dog’,
Holy God. I will begin by saying I have not heard something that unique in all my years of writing for Dear W&S. What a predicament. But trust me, believe it or not we have all been there.
Have you tried throuple’s therapy? It’s just like couple’s therapy, but for a throuple. It involves a couple and a very special friend. In your case, your girlfriend’s little juul friend. I would suggest bringing the Creme Brulee pods too — you sound like you are really struggling with these guys. It works like a charm. A girl in my sorority tried it and had great results with her boyfriend and her monogrammed Swell. Last I heard they were happily living in an apartment near the corner with his and hers Swells. See! You’re not alone! I’ve even heard of this situation happening with a yoga mat. And trust me, a juul is a lot smaller than a yoga mat. At least you will only have to deal with long term emotional damage.
In this modern day and age, relationships have no bounds, except for being healthy. So, find yourself a nice, new-age therapist that deals with this sort of thing (you’d be surprised who you can find these days) and find yourself growing in ways you’d never imagine. Become a bigger, better you without, “juul up your butt”, as you so eloquently put it. Also, just a suggestion, maybe consider one-on-one therapy. Alternatively, just go cold turkey. Throw the juul away and grow up.
- W & S
P.S. Yes this is anonymous, but maybe you shouldn’t have submitted it with your UVA email.
P.P.S. I really hope your girlfriend is not still using that juul. I’m no specialist, but that cannot be healthy. Did you at least wash it?
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