After fielding numerous complaints regarding the paper’s lack of woke-ness, the managing board of The Cavalier Daily have unanimously decided to make major changes to the 120-year-old newspaper’s content policy. Starting Wednesday, The Cavalier Daily will make all sections of the paper conform to mandatory slang quotas so as to make its publications more hip with the kids. “The stuff the paper had been writing was decidedly un-groovy,” an anonymous staffer replied when asked for comment. “Modern readers have found our content nearly unreadable due to its shambly, boring character. The editors of the paper correctly recognized that in order to maintain the prestige the paper currently holds, we needed to make some on fleek changes. This paper is the 10th best college paper in the nation according to Princeton Review — we need to incorporate hip new lingo if we want to continue to slay going forward.” In a public all-editor meeting Friday, the editors of each section came out to voice their support for the decision, as well as finesse the PR aspect of the new direction the paper has decided to take. Editor-in-Chief Tim Dodson opened with remarks directly addressed towards The Cavalier Daily fam, anticipating that some staffers may have been caught off guard by the news. “We have known for a long time that millennials and those belonging to the up-and-coming Generation Z get hella sus if we don’t use the terminologies they use in day to day life,” he proclaimed to the turnt audience. “If we want to stay on top, we must make changes, however drastic, to ensure that the paper’s output remains fly AF.” The crowd, as if on cue, replied “Yaas,” in unison. After the speech had concluded, each editor met with their writing staff in order to come up with ways to incorporate the policy into their pieces going forward. The mood among all sections was generally chill, although some writers expressed doubts after the conference had concluded. “I cannot emphasize enough just how difficult it is to use Twitter slang while covering serious topics that affect the health and wellbeing of students on campus,” noted a total square in the Health and Sciences section. “Although I can understand why the board might want to push the paper in a new direction in order to reach a broader audience, I have to wonder whether or not debasing the presentation of our content for the sake of mass appeal is the most appropriate means of doing so. For instance, the our writers could easily achieve the same marketing aim by telling our writers to put more of a focus on serious ideas relevant to younger audiences, such as the intersection of social media and surveillance, or a candid conversation on the efficacy of campus activi-” The rest of her speech was not recorded, as the team cataloguing these interviews became #bored and split like a banana before she could conclude. Others raised concerns from the opposite side of the spectrum. “This policy is so antwacky, I just can’t even” exclaimed novice Humor writer Benjamin White. “I mean, these people’s argot is just so lay-lay. This paper’s gonna have to get smell if we actually wanna plaster.” Similar sentiments were also raised after the meeting by other avant-garde writers, although their statements, while tight, could not be deciphered. However, the general understanding was that they were concerned about whether the paper must continuously update its policies to implement newer jargon, or if this policy was designed to retroactively implement new terms as slang develops. When asked to clear up the ambiguity regarding whether this policy would apply to all terminologies invented after the implementation of this policy, the paper declined to comment. Benjamin White is a Humor columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at email@example.com.