It’s springtime at the University. The birds are chirping, flowers are blooming, and your sunburn from spring break is just starting to peel. But most importantly, a University tradition comes to the forefront of our minds. A tradition filled with neglected horses and sexually frustrated jockeys. One involving big hats, big drinks and big dreams. Yes, I’m talking about Foxfield — a tradition as old as the University itself. Legend has it Foxfield was started with TJ and his friends drag racing with carriages after shotgunning a few too many bottles of wine. While some things about Foxfield require no thought, like what print your sundress should be (floral) or what brand your bowtie is (Vineyard Vines), some things are less certain. Well, this helpful quiz is here to answer the age-old, often forgotten question — what hat will I wear to Foxfield?
1. First things first, what time do you plan to start drinking?
A) 4:30 a.m. — starting off at first light with some tequila shots with my boiiis
B) 6:45 a.m. — mimosas when I get on the bus. What do you think I am? An alcoholic?
C) As soon as I wake up, duh. Need to drink as much water as possible so I don’t get dehydrated.
2. How are you getting to Foxfield?
A) An Uber — accidentally passed out and missed the frat bus — maybe tequila was a bad idea...
B) My sorority chartered a bus
C) I’m driving and paying for parking.
3. How long have you been planning on going to Foxfield?
A) Foxfield actually was one of the reasons why I picked U.Va.
B) Since my sisters and I got matching Lilly dresses.
C) Since last year, are you kidding? I’ve been tracking the horse statistics for months.
4. What are you wearing today?
A) Khakis and a pastel green button-up.
B) My Lilly Pulitzer dress I bought three years ago specifically for Foxfield.
C) Some nice airy cargo shorts and a polo — gotta stay cool today.
5. What sunglasses are you wearing today?
A) F--K! I think I left mine in the Uber.
B) My Ray-Bans.
C) Joke’s on you — I’ve got transition lenses.
6. What shoes are you wearing?
A) Sperry’s to compliment my khaki shorts.
B) Wedges, so my legs look good for Chad.
C) An old pair of tennis shoes — I’m sure it’ll get muddy near the horses.
7. What’s one item you couldn’t do Foxfield without?
A) My JUUL.
B) My JUUL and some extra Crème Brûlée pods just in case (for some reason Chad keeps asking for them)!
C) Binoculars to see the finish line. Although, all that JUUL smoke keeps blocking my view.
8. Who are you hanging out with?
A) Some bros from first-year and my frat brothers.
B) My sorority sisters.
C) No one, I need to focus all my attention on the race.
9. Who’s your date?
A) Brad.
B) Chad.
C) I don’t need a date, I’m here to watch the race.
10. Did you put on sunscreen?
A) S--t, I forgot!! Shouldn’t have started drinking so early...
B) No, I’m working on my tan today.
C) Of course, I have extra in my backpack if you need some.
11. How excited are you to see the horses?
A) So pumped! I’ve got a hundred on Lil’ Chinkydink … Wait, you’re telling me that’s not actually one of the horses racing? I’m going to kill Chad.
B) What horses? I thought we were here to see foxes? Why do they call it Foxfield, then?
C) Super excited! Karen Bowling Dick (the Foxfield Sponsor Coordinator) is a family friend.
12. What part of Foxfield are you most excited about?
A) Seeing if I can break my shotgunning record from last year.
B) Finally getting some quality time with Chad without that JUUL.
C) The athleticism demonstrated by the jockeys.
If you answered mostly A’s … you should wear a Polo Ralph Lauren hat. Just be sure it matches your button down — can’t have your pastels clashing.
If you answered mostly B’s … you should wear a floppy sun hat. You know what they say, the bigger the hat, the closer you are to Heaven … or something like that.
If you answered mostly C’s … you should wear a visor to further keep the sun from blocking your view. But, seriously, do you know why most people really go to Foxfield? Maybe stay away from any Greek letters you might pass.
Read More
University squirrels unionize
By Claudia Hunn | 4 days agoThis week, an unlikely group discovered their own collective power as workers by unionizing — a community of University squirrels now known as the Squirrel Workers’ Guild, or SWG.
Launching My Career as a Background Extra at U.Va.
By Sneha Uppal | April 2, 2024You may be wondering why I always played an almost invisible background character. But, you see, it turns out I had been training for a role I had set my eyes on for my whole life.
Job Search Scaries — The Fakest Jobs on LinkedIn This Week
By Kiera Chambers | March 30, 2024Allow me to try to convince you, dear readers, of the illegitimacy of positions so long praised by ambitious University students.
