How to effectively ensnare your future boo

Humor Columnist Casey Breneman presents a product that is sure to help anyone with finding that special someone.

CandlestickTelephones

Are you desperate for a significant other? Don’t know how to effectively ensnare one? Then have I got just the thing for you.

Courtesy Wikimedia Commons

Hey you! 

Yeah, you! 

The one reading online articles from your school’s newspaper during your summer break! The fact that you are reading an online article from your school’s newspaper during your summer break is a surefire sign that you are a single pringle and ready to mingle. I know I am! 

Are you desperate for a significant other? Don’t know how to effectively ensnare one? Then have I got just the thing for you. 

I am proud to present to you a self-help product that will be sold exclusively in the University of Virginia Bookstore starting the Fall of 2018:

“How to Catch a Lover: Effectively Ensnare Your Future Boo”*

*Some assembly required

Here is your all-inclusive, no strings attached “How to Catch a Lover” Box, complete with everything you need for a successful, healthy romantic relationship!

This Box includes:

1) One too-small blanket, perfect to encourage cuddling with your Future Lover, especially for those blessed few who have access to well-conditioned dorm rooms and lounges. This blanket is also effective in chilly library nooks and cool evenings on the Lawn watching streakers by moonlight.

2) One gift card to Bodo’s for that classy first date, because if you are anybody at the University of Virginia, you know Bodo’s is one of the most romantic breakfast destinations this side of Afton.

3) One blank notebook labeled “Orgo Definitely Not Secret Stalker Information” with the intent of writing down your Future Lover’s personal information including but not limited to: cell phone number, UVA ID, school address, class schedule, personal and school email address, permanent home address, parent’s phone number, social security number, credit card number, etc.

4) One small pouch of pebbles to throw at your Future Lover’s window, waking them from their slumber and giving you the opportunity to serenade them with one of three instruments provided in the Box.

5) One of three instruments** provided in the Box. Options include:

  1. Kazoo: A kazoo makes its sound by sympathetic vibration with the human voice. Intimately share an original composition, which is projected and amplified within the shape of the kazoo. An excellent option for a Future Lover who desires vulnerability and connection through music. 
  2. Trombone: The sexiest of brass instruments, and the instrument said to sound most like the human voice. Use the trombone’s long slide to seductively serenade your Future Lover with trombone classics bound to make anyone swoon.
  3. Bagpipes: Invoke the mist-shrouded hills of Scotland, a romantic destination that brings with it the haunting yet beautiful tradition of Scottish music. Bonus points are rewarded for those who can speak in a Scottish highlander accent. If I’ve learned anything from watching HBO’s Outlander series, it’s that Scottish accents are pretty damn sexy. 

**Instruments do not come with instruction manuals. Play at your own risk.

6) One step ladder, needed only if the pebbles and music don’t work in successfully rousing your Future Lover. Simply pry open their window and surprise them with your declaration of love in the dead of night. 

7) One pair of binoculars, to observe and admire your Future Lover from afar. This will allow you to compose poetry about their appearance, persona, and choice of lunch in the dining hall without the inconvenience of actually speaking to them. 

8) A directory of every RA on grounds and their phone numbers. RAs are your go-to resource for undeserved encouragement if you’re feeling rejected (a common side effect early in the use of the Box that often fades with time and use), and they are provided by the University with an excessive number of condoms. Take advantage of your resources!

*“How to Catch a Lover: Effectively Ensnare Your Future Boo” (referred to as the Box) is not responsible for any failure on the part of the consumer to effectively assemble, operate, or disassemble any part or parts of the contents of the Box. The Box is not responsible for the romantic successes or failures of consumers purchasing the Box.

Do you desire a cuddle buddy? Are you searching for a partner to share your hopes, dreams and Netflix account with? Do you long for that certain special someone who will make you grilled cheese sandwiches? Are you hoping to find the love of your life who will appreciate how much effort you put into your relationships?

Then “How to Catch a Lover: Effectively Ensnare Your Future Boo” is exactly what you need. Purchase yours this fall in three easy installments of $99.99. 

Read our rave reviews!

“14% success rate! Get yours today!” - Veronica Sirotic, Humor Editor for the Cavalier Daily.

“I love my How to Catch a Lover Box! I haven’t caught anyone yet, but I only have two restraining orders … which is less than I usually have at this point in the year! I’m confident I’ll find my Future Lover!” - Optimistic Second Year

“Fifth time’s the charm, right? They’ll wear down eventually.” - Anonymous


Casey Breneman is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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