The five dudes you’ll date when you infiltrate a hostile foreign power

Humor Columnist Emma Klein details the five men you'll meet during a secret covert operation abroad

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After dating these five dudes, you’ll be elated when you’re finally on a flight back home and you can drop the fake accent you’ve been doing for months.

Callie Collins | Cavalier Daily

You’ve been training for years in covert operations. You’re prepared for every challenge you may face on a deep cover mission. Now that you’re neck deep in your new identity though, you’ve realized there’s one thing they didn’t prepare you for – the relationships you’d end up in. Here are the five guys that everyone ends up dating while on these types of missions, maybe you’ve already checked a few off your hitlist! 

1. Your first target

He likes to tell people that it was a chance meeting between you and him and there were sparks instantly. It's probably best you don’t tell him that he was targeted by your background information specialist for his mid-ranking position in the regime and ability to be manipulated. You tracked his schedule for two weeks then dyed your hair to become just his type. He’s a way into the regime for sure. He’s sweet but those two weeks of surveillance really proved that he’s not a serious option. Once you’ve used him to secure your trusted status in the regime, it’s best to let him go.

2. The infiltree of another country

This may seem like a cool thing to have in common and break the ice but it’s actually what will lead you two to break up. You’ll finally feel comfortable talking to someone about everything you’ve been keeping secret this entire mission; the only problem is that he will too. At first it’ll just be like normal venting, until suddenly you feel like you’re constantly in a “who has it worse” competition. Who’s had to go further against their morals to protect their identity? Whose mission is harder? It’ll start to feel like you guys aren’t even on the same team anymore even though you’re both on a deep cover missions to infiltrate and dismantle an authoritarian regime. Your intelligence operations aren’t in coordination and eventually you’ll decide it’s best if you two aren’t either. 

3. The true believer

It’ll feel like this guy loves the leader more than you — seriously pay attention to whose name he says in his sleep. You’ve told him your birthday three times and he can’t remember — yet he knows the leader’s blood type and even got his own type changed to match. He’s attractive and his constant praise of the regime gives him job security so those are pluses. He was never a part of the plan but once you end it with him you’ll wish that he was because at least that's a worthy excuse for getting with him at all. When you end it, it’ll barely register with him, but try not to get embarrassed that he didn’t even know you guys were dating.

4. The rebel activist

The danger aspect of getting caught with a known dissenter was what drew you to this guy. It’ll feel like a movie when you think about how you’re risking the entire mission to be with him. But being a known dissenter means he can’t get a job or house so he just lives in the mountains with the other activists. Camping is fun every once in a while but you’ll end up starting a lot of arguments every time you opt for the indoor plumbing of the regime. Eventually he kind of just disappears and trust me — when the government says someone’s gone, don’t ask any questions. He had the right ideas about freedom and justice but the wrong idea about how clean river water is.

5. The leader himself

It's the final stage of your mission, full infiltration — and yes I do mean it like that. The whole point of this mission means that this relationship was meant to go the way of a praying mantis marriage (look it up). But that doesn’t mean you can’t stretch this out a bit, y’know, to really earn his trust. Sure, he’s a ruthless overlord who has personally executed dissenters but it is a widely known fact that he’s the tallest, richest, strongest and smartest guy in the entire country. He’s kind of a catch if you ignore the cruelty to his people. Plus his pet peacocks are so cute! Unfortunately, if you don’t finish the job, work won’t cover your travel expenses. When you’re done with him you’ll really feel more accomplished than empty and ready to start something new.

After dating these five dudes, you’ll be elated when you’re finally on a flight back home and you can drop the fake accent you’ve been doing for months. Mistakes were made but don’t worry girl — we’ve all dated these disasters while on assignment!

Emma Klein is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com

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