Breaking News! What you’ll want to know about rising crime rates at U.Va.

Humor Columnist Emily Vaughan covers the surprising source of the rising crime rates at the University

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Steps are reportedly being taken to stop the group of serial bicyclists who’s contract with the University will be up in 2020.

Emma Klein | Cavalier Daily

The Charlottesville Police Department has released some surprising statistics for the month of October. According to a recent spreadsheet that was made by the Chief of Police himself on Google Sheets, crime rates have been skyrocketing for the past month. The cause of this recent spike appears to be an increase in hit-and-runs at the University. Reports have been flooding in from from students across the University who have been involved in these incidents, pointing the finger at a shocking group — ambassadors. The University’s Ambassadors Service was integrated into the community during February of 2015 in order to create a safe atmosphere for students. In recent years however, ambassadors have received ridicule from the student body for being, as one student put it “As useful as a cell phone”. It appears these countless jokes and accusations of the ambassador’s uselessness have taken their toll on the group. 

“I was crossing the street when I saw an ambassador coming on her bike. I rolled my eyes and waved, thinking she would slow down, only, she didn’t,” said Dotty McBitterson, whose eye began to twitch as she was interviewed about her hit-and-run on Oct. 29 while crossing McCormick Road. 

“I don’t remember being hit. I just remember laying on the crosswalk and seeing an ambassador standing above me. I asked for help. He called 911 and then left. I still can’t get the tire marks out of my white fleece Northface,” complained Austin Gruff, a third-year College student.

Attempting to get to the bottom of this recent rash of incidents, an ambassador named Dick Donothing agreed to sit down with The Cavalier Daily for an interview. 

“Everyone’s always asking how we’re different from blue phones,” Dick responded when asked why he thinks the attacks are happening, “Now I’m not saying it’s me or anything, but uh, maybe some people got tired of hearing that day in and day out. Ya wanna know how we’re different? We’re human beings with feelings.” At this point the interview had to be stopped due to Mr. Donothing’s uncontrollable weeping. 

The University declined to comment for this story, but a high ranking employee, who has asked to remain nameless, later reached out. “We always knew this would happen. They were always standing in the shadows watching, waiting for their chance. A neon yellow storm has been brewing on these grounds for years and it has finally hit,” the employee said. 

Steps are reportedly being taken to stop the group of serial bicyclists who’s contract with the University will be up in 2020. In the meantime, officials have banned the following words and phrases on Grounds, as they seem to provoke ambassadors — good for nothing, big bird, blue phone.

Emily Vaughan is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com. 

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