My big fat Confederate ghost roommate

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It was when I discovered that my hall had actually been built on an ancient Confederate graveyard that I started to notice something fishy going on. 

Max Patten | Cavalier Daily

At first I didn’t really notice anything weird about my roommate, Rob. Sure, he was a couple hundred years old and — well, a ghost — but I figured hey, this is college. Things are different here. But pretty soon, he became almost unbearable to live with. When I moved into the oldest dorm on campus, I knew I wasn’t going to get the most modern furnishings, but I didn’t expect that to apply to the person I would be sharing a room with. It was when I discovered that my hall had actually been built on an ancient Confederate graveyard that I started to notice something fishy going on. 

When Rob came home from class, the lights would always flicker on and off, and the fans would stop running. The only thing he ever drank was whiskey from a old tin canteen, and when I offered to let him use my Keurig to make a nice cup of tea, he would only mumble something about how the Emancipation Proclamation sucked. Sometimes in his sleep, he shouted, “No, no! Slavery good!” So random. 

He was also soooo messy and always left dirty bloody rags everywhere, dropped silver bullets on the floor and never took out the recycling. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overreacting, but it was the little things like that made me nervous my first few weeks here at U.Va. 

The situation turned hostile when Rob found out I was from Arlington, one of the most northern cities in Virginia, also known as... NOVA. When I told him I was from the north, he looked so mad, I thought he was going to wine and dine me, take me to a play and — right at the climax of the show — sneak in from behind me and shoot me in the back. But hating on NOVA isn’t out of the norm here, since we have kind of a “bad boy” reputation. Or maybe he just hates Amazon. Either way, the tension never dissipated between us, and everytime I come back to the room to nap or study, he just sits on his bed, watching me and muttering  “northerner” under his breath. So freakin’ weird. 

I can’t even bring guys back to the room anymore because the morning after, I wake up to a pamphlet on abstinence sitting on my nightstand. Rob is a total prude — he can’t even walk by the jar of condoms in the dorm hallway without shouting something about “saving sex for marriage” or “women only producing offspring to create the next generation of Confederate soldiers” or “why are there so many different colors?! In my day, we just used rabbit skin!” Haha, that last one was just a joke. Rob was a total virg. 

So yeah, I’m looking forward to getting a new roommate this year… I love watching movies, and I’m always down to binge rom-coms! I’m super excited to explore C-ville and just want someone to share an adventure with! My motto is work hard, play hard! I am an ENFJ in case you’re wondering ;) If you need a fourth person for next year, message me or comment below!

Eva Sirotic is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. She can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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