The Seven Society members ranked in order of secrecy

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Humor Columnist Jakob Cansler breaks down the rankings of the Seven Society members.

Autumn Swain | Cavalier Daily

7. Anonymous Seven Society member #1

Although this member’s name is still unknown, their personal information was leaked on Myspace in late 2007, in what would have been a seven-week exposé of the entire society. Unfortunately, the exposé ended after just one week once the blogger mysteriously went missing. Regardless, this member’s life history was completely revealed, including their elementary school, their five favorite breeds of dogs and their transcript, including their B+ in “Learning to Groove” from second-year.

Secrecy Rating: 1.2/7

6. Anonymous Seven Society member #2

Although not much is know about this member, one piece of information sets them apart from the rest of the society: they are virtually always wearing a full black morph suit, and on Tuesdays from 12 - 3 p.m., they also wear a pair of knee-length, powder blue socks. It’s unclear if this outfit is meant to hide their identity from the rest of the world or if it’s for their job. Admittedly, no one is quite sure what job they could possibly have that would require such an outfit. Maybe a modern-day ninja? An overly cautious speed-skater? Many questions about this member still stand.

Secrecy rating: 2/7

5. Anonymous Seven Society member #3 [Not confirmed]

In 2005, Jane Westerly served a witness in the murder trial against Henry Goff II. At one point in the trial, the defense asked Westerly the simple question, “Do you know a member of the Seven Society?” She replied, “my ex-husband,” but refused to elaborate. At this time she already had six ex-husbands, all of whom went to U.Va., so it is impossible to know which, if any, she was referring to. The identity of this Seven remains unconfirmed to this day.

Secrecy rating: 2.7/7

4. Jim Ryan’s missing pet chameleon

President Ryan’s beloved pet chameleon formerly resided in Pavilion VIII. However, on Oct. 3, “Spiky,” as Ryan calls him, was reported missing. A week later, Ryan announced an award of five meal swipes in return for any information regarding the whereabouts of the missing chameleon. It had long been rumoured that Spiky was a very prominent member of the Seven Society, so it is likely his disappearance is related in part to this. Other than that, though, very little is known about the chameleon. One wild conspiracy insists that Spiky might even have a second owner living somewhere in the Caribbean, but evidence for this relies entirely on hearsay. To this day, Spiky is still at large, and it is unlikely anyone will be able to find him anytime soon.

Secrecy rating: 4.2/7

3. Anonymous Seven Society member #4

The only reason we know anything about this member is because in 2016, they accidentally published a public Spotify playlist titled “I’m in the Seven Society heck yea party mix 2016.” The username affiliated with the playlist merely said “follow4follow?” The playlist was taken down with a mere three hours and while the entire thing may very well be a hoax, it must be assumed that this is a real member of the Sevens, since no evidence can prove otherwise.

Secrecy rating: 5/7

2. 1970’s Dean Groves (Honorary Position)

Although present-day Dean Allen Groves is too busy serving in the Z Society, the version of himself that lived in the 1970s was offered an honorary position just a few years ago. It’s admittedly difficult to imagine that Dean Groves was ever younger than he is now, which is what makes his 1970s version of him so mysterious. We can only assume that he listened to Fleetwood Mac and owned at least two plaid sweater vests. He also probably stood at the bow of a ship at least three times during the decade, although we were unable to confirm when and where these took place. All-around, he was clearly a very secretive man back then, so it’s a no-brainer that the Sevens would offer this version of him a spot in the society.

Secrecy rating: 6.3/7

1. Mr. Seven

The leader of the society, this member is required to legally change their name to “Mr. Seven” upon taking the position, regardless of gender. Although this member’s birth certificate and ID are a dead giveaway to their membership in the society, all information of their previous life has been lost. It is assumed that they have or had some sort of affiliation with U.Va., since that is kind of the whole point of the society. Regardless, the truth will only be revealed upon this member’s death, which may not happen for up to 200 years, given the lengthened life span that comes with membership.

Secrecy Rating: 7/7

Jakob Cansler is a Humor Columnist for The Cavalier Daily. He can be reached at humor@cavalierdaily.com.

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