Listen, pet, I’m sorry — really, I am — but you have to understand that when you have the sort of power I do, it’s difficult not to wield it.
So, yes, this semester I’ll think about if I should finally get my life together but not as much as I’ll think about if I should copyright my nudes in the cloud.
I’m not a feminist because I hate men. I’m a feminist because I hate my dad.
Open communication is key: if you rely on subtle body language you will never kiss, you will keep smiling and looking at each other and if someone was filming it for a television show, then it would last two full seasons before anything happened and 15-year-olds would write 500 words about it on their respective blogs.
If you are easy to love then you will be loved by people who love people who are easy to love. Do you know what type of person this is? Probably the same type of person who says they hate Kim Kardashian.
That feeling when you’re alone in the Istanbul airport at 3 a.m. and the only songs on your phone are the songs you loved in high school and only now do you really truly GET Neutral Milk Hotel.
The ideal job for my specific skills and goals would be one in which I bury myself in a hole. Every day I would show up at 9 a.m. on the dot and rake sand over myself, whispering, “Yes, very good, the perfect job.”
Pretty faces, you need to change for yourselves. April Fools! You need to change for me. You make me want to submerge myself in the Pacific Ocean, burrowing deep into the soft silt floor until all I can hear is the vibrations of faraway whale songs reverberating deep in my skeleton, finally at peace. April Fools! I will never know peace.
If your understanding of science is limited to what information the web has to provide on the formation of geodes (gas bubbles within volcanic rocks are filled over time with dissolved minerals, a process which can take thousands or even millions of years) then you’re going to have to find another way to sound smart.
Some people say love of fighting isn’t real, that it’s just a chemical reaction in the brain to ensure the continuation of our species. The scientific explanation for something doesn’t make it any less beautiful. When I look at this boy’s face, I think God himself designed it for me to hit it with a two-by-four.
