1. The nervous traveler
In the time I’ve been abroad, I’ve spent more time in airports than I ever have before. Maybe it’s my nerves of steel or maybe it’s my super heroic ability to fall asleep anywhere, but when the plane takes off I’m usually already mid-snooze with no anxiety to speak of. Those not blessed with my talents are easy to spot. They’ve sweat through their shirts, actually paid attention to how to buckle and unbuckle their seatbelts, and wouldn’t dare to unstow their tray tables before the fasten seatbelt light is turned off. Put your hand too close to theirs and they’ll probably grab it.
2. The matching tour group
Nothing irks me more than groups of adults walking around in identical outfits. Yes, I understand the logic — no one wants to get lost, and shirts that feature some sort of family crest or travel group slogan are difficult to miss. At the head of each group is the fearless umbrella-wielding leader. Bonus points if you spot the same T-shirt crew at a museum the next day, and even more if you ask them when was the last time they’ve washed that shirt.
3. The family with screaming children
You want your three-year-old to go on a trip he’ll never forget but also — given the limited capacity of human memory — won’t actually remember. I understand. There’s a first time for everything, which, I guess, must include subjecting an entire plane to the wrath of your not-yet-potty-trained child. Maybe I’m being too harsh, but on a plane ride from Amsterdam to Florence last weekend, I had the pleasure of sitting beside what could’ve been the worst smelling diaper in Europe. And though my playlist of 90s pop throwbacks may be a timeless classic, it certainly didn’t sound great accompanied by shrill screaming.
4. Groups of American college students
As much as I try not to perpetuate this stereotype, it is hard to stop the steam-rolling train that is a group of 12 girls seeing their first Starbucks in months. The last time I saw my friends hustle so fast was to get back to their dorms during the great ABC Dorm Raid of the 2013. Also characteristic of the American college traveling group is a mass quantity of backpacks and the tendency to loudly proclaim their love for free WiFi.
5. The drunkard
Maybe he’s nervous, maybe he’s going on hour seven in the airport, or maybe it really is five o’clock in whatever time zone he’s coming from. Either way, this airport-goer has found alcohol in a duty-free place. He’s where Kristen Wiig got inspiration for her character in "Bridesmaids." He takes the complimentary drink service a little too seriously. He has probably made friends with the screaming baby.
6. The overpacker
For this traveler, the phrase “travel lightly” means picking the suitcase set with the lighter color scheme. He is carrying at least seven 3-ounce travel sized bottles on his person at all times, and would only survive for about 12 minutes in the wilderness due to his inability to part with his tiny dog and its huge, collapsible princess castle bed. To the concierge who has to deal with this traveler at his hotel: I feel for you, and am subtly glaring at said traveler in the hopes that he’ll give you a bigger tip.
7. The business person
Whenever I see a business person in the airport, I immediately think of George Clooney’s character in "Up in the Air" (which, coincidentally, has been the feature film on about six flights I’ve been on). The business person is an airport whiz: she doesn’t almost trip taking her shoes off and then almost cry because she forgot to wear socks, and she most definitely never sets the metal detector off. She has never waited in a line, and only travels with a briefcase containing, like, six really important papers. If not flying business class (an anomaly), she is most definitely sitting in the emergency exit row, because they can be trusted with that responsibility.
8. The one who’s overdressed
Somehow, it was lost in translation that wearing heels and a tight dress is not conducive to sitting comfortably for extended periods of time. This sitting is bookended by long walks with stairs and hoards of people to dodge. Maybe she thought airport runways were actual runways? These stiletto-clad wannabe models will forever be an enigma to me.
9. The unaccompanied minor
The phrase “unaccompanied minor” isn’t quite fitting. At any given time, there are at least five flight attendants or airport officials surrounding said minor. I am jealous of this child for many reasons. First, they most definitely get rides on those cool golf carts that drive in the middle of where everyone is walking just to purposefully be as inconvenient as possible. Secondly, they always get better airplane snacks. Lastly, it’s OK for them to wear a Batman backpack in public whereas I just get a lot of blank stares. No fair.
10. The obvious tourist
I guess everyone can be considered a tourist at an airport, but this person really commits to the role. There’s often a fanny pack involved, and a strong tendency to stop walking every 10 steps to marvel at how universal McDonald’s are. Oh, you’ve never seen a neck pillow before? You haven’t just spent an entire week on vacation in a given country and thus have already had about seven million opportunities to buy said city’s T-shirt? You really have to stop directly in front of me as I’m sprinting to my gate to consider buying this T-shirt at every store you pass? You’re about to see a new sort of tourist attraction: the sight of my fist hitting your face.
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